Archives: Whose Birthday Is It, Anyway? #8 |
"What about gifts?"
A Family guide to giving and receiving
by Michael Harning
Just before Christmas my five-year-old son asked, "Dad, what does it mean, 'It's better to give than receive?'" I thought for a moment. What could I say to help him understand a phrase that seemed self-evident to me? At least I'd make an attempt. "Ben, it's more fun to make someone happy with the right gift than it is to receive one." Silence. "Oh," he said and walked away.
Soon after, I saw a TV commercial during a children's program that screamed to the viewer, "It's better to give than receive...SUUUUURE!" Whether we like to admit it or not, television has an enormous impact on the way we view life. According to a 1989 study by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the typical child watches 3 to 3 1/2 hours of TV a day. That adds up to seven full years in a 70-year lifespan.
Our ideas about giving and receiving are influenced strongly by TV commercials, magazine ads and billboards, not to mention peer pressure. That's what families must face. Never mind that fewer people have the benefits of an extended family and strong community.
Television started my son's questioning process and, as a parent, I was asked to provide an answer. At the time, my answer did not seem profound nor particularly enlightened. Upon reflection, I would say that Christmas is a time both to give and receive. During this season we remember God's gift to us - Jesus, the wonder of God becoming human. God gives and we are called to receive God's gift at Christmas.
Christmas giving is also an opportunity for us to discover the divinity and humanity in each of us. The excitement of packages with ribbon and wrapping from friends and family miles away does provide a moment to celebrate the birth of Jesus - God becoming human. In giving to those we love and graciously receiving gifts, we celebrate our own humanity.
In the life of a family, "discovery moments" come fast and furious. Our basic principles often come into question when a holiday like Christmas is celebrated. Throughout the holiday season these moments appear again and again in different ways. They are prompted by television commercials and by long road trips together, by outings to find a Christmas tree and by trips to the mall.
I learned that Ben's question and my answer are for both of us. He wants to better understand giving, and I have to be better prepared to receive. We can learn from each other.
After all the flurry of Christmas gifts, on Epiphany Eve, Ben decided to wrap two gifts - one for a classmate and the other for his teacher's daughter. He discovered the beauty of giving. That same week, I received a shirt that actually fit! (I'm a hard-to-fit 3 XL tall.) I was so shocked that I began to cry. Jim, a good friend, bought the right size shirt because we had spent a morning shopping together earlier in the year. I rediscovered the joy of receiving. Both giving and receiving require energy; both demand an appreciation for the giver and recipient; and both offer an opportunity to touch the human and the divine.
In discovery moments, families discern their own guidelines for giving and
receiving. I encourage you to remember, discuss and act on your own experiences
in giving and receiving. Here are five tips that might help:
1. Who Is the Person to Me?
C. S. Lewis wrote that there are three components to an experience: anticipating, living and remembering. He felt the most important was remembering, since the memory makes an experience timeless.
Our memories can serve us well as we prepare to give. Not only can we remember what we gave last Christmas or for a recent birthday, but we can remember and recall this person in our life. We can celebrate the experiences of lives coming together.
Photos or videos can help jog the memory while a review of letters and postcards can help recall events and experiences. The gift we give or receive identifies us and our relationships with each other.
We can acknowledge a special bond in countless ways - by giving a book by a shared favorite author, by putting together a photo album of "our friendship," by replacing a favorite shirt stained during our last spaghetti dinner together. We can also honor our relationship to each other by giving gifts of our time or by sharing our talent. One woman gave the gift of one phone call a month to a long-distance relative who felt isolated after choosing to stay home to care for her newborn baby. Giving can offer an opportunity to celebrate our connections with others.
For Discussion:
Members of one extended family live hundreds of miles apart and so gathering
for Christmas was just too expensive. One year they decided to forego material
gifts to one another so that money usually spent on gifts could be used on
travel expenses. They decided that gathering together for the holidays was
the best gift of all. Talk about ways you can honor the people on your gift
list - either with material or non-material gifts.
2. What Are the Person's Interests and Dreams?
Jean Vanier, the founder of L'Arche movement, said, "One of the dangers in our world is wanting to do big things, heroic things. We are called to do little things lovingly."
Before giving a gift, a little thought and consideration mean a great deal. We can take the time to think about the person to whom we will give. What are the person's interests and needs? What are the person's aspirations and dreams? To know someone's interests and dreams requires spending time and listening to that person. We can pay special attention to interests mentioned or displayed. And we can spend time talking about each other's dreams. If a person trusts us with a dream, it's an invitation to support their journey.
When trying to think of an appropriate gift, I make a list of at least five things that are part of that person's life. For my wife, I listed - likes cooking, gets cold feet, enjoys fragrances, likes fiction, reads magazines. As a Christmas present, I gave her a sample of fragrances along with new pajamas and slippers. I'm on the lookout for cooking classes offered by the county recreation department or school system - a good spring birthday gift for Ellen. A little thought and a list helps give the necessary time and focus to good giving. This exercise also provided a small way for me to recall how much I love my wife and the many little things she does for our family.
For Discussion:
One woman's dream was to become a published author. She quit her job
and began spending time writing. For Christmas, her family gave her a dictionary
and typewriter in support of her dream. What are your interests and dreams?
Share your thoughts with your family.
3. How Can I Give Gifts That Bring Joy?
As Paul Tillich wrote, "Joy is nothing else than the awareness of our being fulfilled in our true being, in our personal center." Gifts should be given in joy and should touch the "personal center."
When giving a gift, we can consider what brings the person joy. How can we honor the person and add to the joy of the season? How can we celebrate what the person values?
Joy comes in many forms to the people in our lives. Some find joy in music - what about the gift of a cassette tape or some sheet music? Others find joy in painting - a paint and brush set or a painting class? Still others find joy in nature - binoculars or a book on birds or a donation to an environmental organization in their name? The possibilities are endless!
Many families decide Thanksgiving weekend how they will gift each other for Christmas. The Thanksgiving holiday is a great time to listen to family members and hear what they are thankful for, what brings them joy.
For Discussion:
Choose one person on your gift list. Think for a moment - What brings
that person joy? How is joy demonstrated by his/her life? What might be an
appropriate gift? Discuss your thoughts.
4. Who Is in Need this Christmas?
"Find out how much God has given you, and from it take what you need; the remainder is needed by others. The superfluities of the rich are the necessities of the poor. Those who retain what is superfluous possess the goods of others." Augustine
Families can discover the difference between what they want and what they need. The best way I've learned to receive is to give. The fullness of God's bounty is made more evident to me when I see God in the eyes of people in need. As we read in Matthew 25:40, we honor Jesus by acting on behalf of "the least of these" - the hungry, the thirsty, the sick, the imprisoned.
Who is in need this Christmas? Look around. Let us consider including in our celebrations those who are alone. We can offer a listening ear to those in despair. We can give material gifts to those who really need them. Contact your church for names. Call a homeless shelter, soup kitchen or battered women's shelter. Look around your neighborhood and amongst your family and friends.
For my younger brother, James, the spiritual and a sense of humor mattered most. His recent death from AIDS showed the beauty of life. Each member of my extended family remembers James by helping those who live with HIV or AIDS. Whether donating time, talent or treasure, we honor James when we give.
We can give a charitable gift in someone's name or we can plan to spend a certain portion of our Christmas budget to help those in need. Some families decide on a favorite charity that the family will give to that year. Selecting a charity should reflect the concerns and passions of the family. We can consider gifts of service as well as gifts of money.
For Discussion:
What are the concerns of your family? Who are "the least of these"
in your community? Talk about possible ways to give to those in need. If
you gave to people in need at Christmas, would you spend less on each other?
How would you feel about this?
5. How Can I Be More Open to Receive?
"Spirit is an invisible force made visible in all life," writes Maya Angelou in Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now.
When we receive a gift - and isn't all life a gift - we come face to face with a reflection of the Creator. To receive is to acknowledge God's presence in that experience, person or place.
My four-year-old son, Will, is fascinated by baby Jesus. Whether seeing the creche at church or in our home, he'll exclaim, " Look, it's baby Jesus." Since his birthday is four days before Christmas, he is often heard to say, "It's baby Jesus' birthday, too." He knows he shares a special celebration with Jesus. His excitement is a contagious gift.
Gifts come in many forms at Christmas - the excitement of a child, a few moments of quiet time, a smile or hug, a shirt that actually fits! And we remember the first Christmas gift - God's gift of Jesus.
The power of receiving the many gifts of Christmas is in having our hands and hearts open. When they are open, they are able to accept what may be offered. In accepting the gift, we are then open to receiving the joy and message the gift shares. Gifts can be a way to receive and provide an opportunity to be aware of God's life force in each experience, person and event of this holy season.
For Discussion:
How can we prepare our hearts to receive God's gift of Jesus at Christmas? How can we open ourselves to being truly surprised and delighted by the gifts we receive and what they represent?
Each family at this time of year feels the pressure of giving and receiving. For some, Christmas is not a good time. All families have tensions, troubles and travails. But families also experience happiness, holiness and healing. In giving gifts and receiving them, we reflect God's gift of Jesus - God in the flesh.
The giving and receiving done this Christmas is big business. Not just for the 20+ billion dollars it pumps into the economy, but what it means to the smallest unit of our society - the family. This season is a chance to recall the wondrous faith journey that began with Jesus' birth nearly 2000 years ago. Together we continue to be inspired by that humble beginning. As a family, celebrating the birth of Jesus is an inspiration to be both a good giver and a good receiver.
Michael Harning is former coordinator of Bread for the World's Covenant Church Program. He has also served on the Board of Directors of Alternatives. He now serves the Archdiocese of Detroit.
Many More Interesting Christmas Articles
This page last updated 20 October 2012
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