Whose Birthday? #10

The Golden Rule Gone Wrong

He gives her praise. She gives him stuff. They're both unhappy and can't figure out why.

Once when I was a child, I gave my father a softball for his birthday. I thought it was OK. We needed a softball. The old one was really beat-up...hardly round anymore. I was taken by surprise when he said, "I don't play softball. This gift is for yourself, not for me." I was embarrassed but I realized that he was right.

He and She

The same thing goes on with adults at Christmas time. We give others the gifts that we want. For example, a man really wants to be appreciated and touched. He tells his spouse that he does not want things for gifts. He wants to be thanked and to be touched each day. He does not like surprises very much. He wears recycled clothing and no jewelry.

The woman, however, finds it difficult to show gratitude and to touch. She prefers to receive things, tokens, especially surprises, jewelry and clothing. Though much thought goes into her shopping for others, her gift giving is an occasion - an excuse - for her own need to buy, acquire, consume.

He finds it very difficult to spend money on "stuff." He prefers to give it away or to save it. He even forgets or ignores some holidays when it's customary to give a gift or a card. He, however, thanks his spouse almost every day for her good cooking and compliments her on her appearance.

He wants verbal and tactile reinforcement and nurture as gifts. She wants to give and receive objects. He gives her praise. She gives him stuff. They're both unhappy and can't figure out why. They both give the other what they want, not what the other wants.

This form of gift giving is the Golden Rule gone wrong. The Golden Rule says, "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you." The Golden Rule here requires listening and appropriate response.

The partners were modeling the behavior that they both wanted the other to have. They even told each other what they wanted. They both were unwilling to give what the other wanted because it was difficult or against principles. Without knowing it, they both were saying, "If you don't meet my needs, I won't meet yours. If you won't do it my way, I won't do it your way."

The situation came to a head one Christmas near the couple's 25th wedding anniversary. To celebrate their anniversary each month, she bought him a different gift for each month of the year and planned to present one gift each month on the day of their anniversary as a surprise. They were not expensive gifts. In fact, she bought most of them at the after Christmas sales.

The first gift came as a surprise to him on a day that seemed to have no special significance. He did not respond well. So, she told him her plan for the year. He tried to see the love behind the idea. But each month he was still annoyed to receive a thing when what he wanted was daily thanks and physical affection.

He couldn't bring himself on principle to give her expensive gifts. He did, however, vow to give her a gift on each regular holiday, like Christmas, birthday, wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc., and to give her an occasional surprise.

She began to see the sincerity of his praise. In the past she had felt his thanks was "the easy way out." And she worked harder to thank him for the many regular, day-to-day necessary things that he did faithfully.

He began to see that giving and receiving modest gifts is appropriate. She learned that she really didn't need so much stuff. Some of the stuff - both giving it and wanting to receive it - was taking the place of satisfaction in their relationship.

Children and Parents

Parents are meeting their own needs when they shower their children with gifts of stuff at Christmas to compensate for largely ignoring them throughout the year. We say that Christmas is a time of giving, a time of sharing. Christmas is an easy time - despite all the time and energy in preparing and celebrating - to meet our own needs instead of meeting others.

It is necessary to have our own needs met. But we mustn't kid ourselves about whose needs we're meeting. Instead of saying, "I have to get something for Dad quickly. This tie will have to do," try the following. "I need to give Dad a gift that expresses my love for him. What would be appropriate? Probably not this tie. I could express my feelings for him in a letter, a song or a poem or by using a skill that he taught me. Or I could give a cash gift to one of his favorite charities (which I also support) in his name." It's a moment of delight when both the giver's and the recipient's needs are met at the same time!

Pressures and Questions

We are meeting needs that are imposed on us if we are expressing ourselves primarily with things instead of relationships, if we go into debt to impress others with stuff. Those needs - really desires and wants - are imposed quietly by peer pressure and very loudly by advertising. The push to conform didn't start with this generation. They've been passed down... and they are very strong!

Difficult but fundamental questions to ask are:

Am I meeting my need to consume, am I feeding my addiction to shopping, by buying this thing?

Am I reinforcing the recipient's and my own desires with this thing, desires imposed by advertising or peer pressure?

Can I meet a more fundamental need of mine and theirs without this thing but with a gift of my time? Would it be more helpful to me, the other and society to offer this money to a truly needy individual or cause?

-Gerald Iversen, Alternatives' former National Coordinator | Get to know Gerald here.

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