THE GIFT OF RITUAL

Meg Cox

When it comes to ritual, quality is more important than quantity. I think Americans use the all-you-can-eat buffet as a model for way too much in life. This has made us not only obese, but unfocused. And it's definitely the wrong model for ritual.

Since we're approaching Christmas, think of it this way: how would the magi ever have found baby Jesus if they were scrambling around trying to follow a whole bunch of stars? They were guided by one single bright star. Our holiday rituals will be a compelling beacon to our kids if they are simple, clear and heartfelt.

If we are to add rituals this year, let them come from our deepest beliefs. And if we want to emphasize to our children that the best gifts don't always come in a box, maybe we can add rituals about that.

Start a "Gift of Ourselves" tradition in which each family member announces something they will do for the family in the coming year. One way to do that is for each person to write down his or her planned gift on a piece of paper (little ones may need help) during the weeks before the holiday and slip it into a special stocking, whose contents will be read aloud on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. Kids could give the gift of a cheerful attitude about homework, or a child could offer to fix breakfast every Saturday, or walk the dog daily or help gather up all the dirty clothes on laundry day.

During the small ceremony where the gift pledges are read, perhaps while everyone sips cocoa, the family can also decide on a gift from the whole family to the local community or to needy people elsewhere in the world. You could do research in advance and let the family vote among several options. The community service could itself be set up as a monthly family ritual, such as helping out at a local soup kitchen or cleaning up a nearby park.

Here's another way to think about the gift of ritual. You could decide as parents to create the gift of a new ritual for the coming year. You could describe it on a piece of paper, giving it a clever name, put it in a box and wrap it!

Some ideas for new rituals:

Invent a new weekly tradition that will be fun for the whole family like a weekly game night. To signal it, you could buy a new game or two and put them under the tree. Especially appropriate are non-competitive ones like Alternatives' "The Christmas Game" and "The Anytime Game." Both are series of questions you can use with your family to get everybody thinking and talking about the real sources of holiday joy.

Or announce that every Sunday afternoon is going to be "Adventure Quest" in the coming year, with each kid taking turns choosing whether to visit the zoo, the park, the local museum or a bowling alley. You could put a blank journal and a disposable camera into a package for each kid, adding fanfare to the new ritual announcement, and they can use these tools to record what happens on the quests.

Or make Friday nights "Family Movie Night" with popcorn and other treats. Structure the ritual always to begin by sharing details of everyone's life that week. Start a Movie Critics' Journal in which each person gives the movie thumbs up or thumbs down, and describes one favorite scene or character.

Don't forget - if you're looking for a ritual to add -  the rituals that matter most to kids are the daily ones. I'm especially big on dinner rituals and I heard a compelling one recently from Matt Baron of Chicago Parent. Matt knows a family where each person has to answer these three questions at dinner: What made you laugh today? What made you think? What did you share?

I hope your holidays are rich in rituals.

(from MEG COX'S RITUAL NEWSLETTER for December, 2004. To subscribe, write FamilyRituals@aol.com. It's free. See Meg's Book of New Family Traditions.

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