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Create Your Own Ceremony

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Create Your Own Ceremony

Beyond "Here Comes the Bride"

by Heidi K. Roy

Contents

Introduction

When my husband and I decided to marry almost three years ago, we knew we wanted an alternative wedding. An elaborate and expensive wedding was not only out of our budget, but was in conflict with our values and wants. A friend recently reminded me of my words at the time: "It is more important to us to be married than to get married."

The belief that had the most impact on our wedding plans was that our marriage, our union, was very personal and sacred. Therefore, we told few people; only the officiant and two witnesses knew beforehand. While there are many very good reasons for including family and friends during this special time, our decision allowed us to focus on each other and the important step we were taking. And our plans were free of others' expectations and demands.

We were married on the third green of the golf course my husband spends countless hours nurturing and maintaining. We were married by my colleague at the time, a United Methodist minister. This combination signified for us a coming together of our different interests and unique talents. Our attire was simple - clothes which had been in our closets and adorned our bodies more than once before; guests were few - the two witnesses and a video camera-person in all.

The celebration afterward was different, however. After explaining to shocked parents in Detroit Metropolitan Airport that we married earlier that day, we spent ten days "honeymooning" with family and friends. Those ten days were a true wedding celebration, and were filled with special moments I will never forget.

While it took little thought or discussion to decide what kind of wedding we wanted, one thing I regret giving little thought to is the wording and content of the actual ceremony. I remember thinking it was important to me to have something traditional in such a non-traditional wedding. However, after reading the many ideas people shared with the Alternatives' staff as we developed these wedding materials, I couldn't help but wish I had given it more thought. I was deeply moved by the love, commitment, and uniqueness which came through the words written especially by and for the couples being married. Their choices of words, music, prayers, and readings really expressed who they are both together and as individuals. As Arthur Homburg in A New Wedding Service for You (C.S.S. Publishing Co., Inc., 1985) explained it, "What the writing or altering of services did for the couple was to allow them to make the service their own. They had to wrestle with the meaning of each part and how it applied to them personally."

Whether you opt for a traditional ceremony or you decide to personalize all or parts of it, make sure you consider the many alternatives available to you. Talk with your partner and make a conscious decision based on your values and wants.

Beginning to Plan

First of all, you will need to decide what kind of marriage ceremony you would like - religious or civil ceremony, traditional, contemporary, etc. Talk with your partner about your preferences and come to an agreement. This is especially important when partners come from different faiths. Take family values, traditions, and expectations into account. Your families might have strong feelings about this issue, so it is a good idea to discuss this with them as well. Remember, though, the final decision should be yours.

Imagine the thought that went into one Quaker couple's decision on the kind of marriage ceremony they wanted: In a handout for the ceremony, the couple explained their choice of a "Celebration of Commitment" -

The Atlanta Friends Meeting welcomes you to this meeting for worship to celebrate the commitment of Ann Bryn Houghton and Vince Brown. Ann Bryn and Vince have chosen not to call their ceremony a marriage because they believe that being joined together in the presence of the Spirit and friends requires a deep commitment that need not be sanctioned by the State . . . .

Choosing an Officiant and Location

The next step is choosing an officiant or officiants. Whether you plan to have a religious or civil ceremony, take some time to carefully consider whom you want to officiate. If you and your partner are from different religious backgrounds, consider the possibility of having an officiant from each faith.

If you choose an officiant(s) whom neither of you knows well, spend time discussing your backgrounds and relationship with her/him. These discussions will help if you seek the officiant's assistance in personalizing the ceremony. Many religious officiants require some pre-marital counseling to explore issues the couple may encounter in their marriage. There are many good resources available to help engaged couples explore these issues; see the resource listing at the end of Outward Signs of Inner Values.

When you decide on an officiant(s), make sure to ask about any restrictions right away, especially if you plan to customize your ceremony. And if you plan to marry at a non-religious site, make sure it is acceptable to the officiant. When planning a second marriage ceremony, an officiant might also suggest roles in the ceremony for children from previous marriages if any are involved.

When deciding on number of attendants, guests, and other elements of the ceremony, keep in mind the limitations - size, lighting, weather, etc. - of the location you have chosen. For example, if you chose an outdoor setting, you might not want to perform the lighting of unity candles, especially on windy days. Refer to the section on "Choosing a Location" in Planning an Alternative Wedding: Food, Flowers and Festivities for more information.

Interreligious or Intercultural Weddings

When planning an interreligious or intercultural wedding, you may want to blend religious or ethnic customs for a ceremony which expresses whom each of you is. Some couples choose to incorporate meaningful customs from a broad range of religions and cultures to make the ceremony more inclusive. If you plan to invite guests from many different backgrounds, you could help make people feel more comfortable by including different customs. One couple observed their wedding ceremony in both English and Spanish, with each giving their vows in a different one of these languages.

Choosing Elements of the Ceremony

While the only thing required to constitute a marriage in the United States is the signature of a clergyperson, judge, sea captain, or other qualified person on a validated marriage license, most people desire a celebration filled with rituals, actions, words, and music. Customs and requirements vary greatly from culture to culture, faith to faith, denomination to denomination, and church to church. Consult your clergyperson or officiant early in the planning process to determine which aspects of the ceremony are necessary and how much freedom you have in changing words and arrangement of the different elements.

Spend time reviewing the following elements with your partner, the officiant, and family and friends, if you wish. What parts of the ceremony are most important to you? Which are not? What parts of the ceremony are important to others close to you? Where are you willing to make compromises? Take notes during your discussions and compile an outline you can revise as your ceremony develops. (Note: Don't limit yourselves to these elements. Feel free to consider others.)

Finally, remember there is no "perfect" recipe. As soon as possible, begin planning your ceremony by talking with each other about your mutual values and priorities. Discuss what kind of lifestyle you will lead together and consider how you can express your values through the ceremony. If possible, observe other weddings for ideas or talk with other couples who were recently married.

Whether you are planning a ceremony where both partners have never been married, one which will be a second marriage for one or both of the partners, or a vow renewal service, we offer many ideas here. Read through the different parts and decide which ones suit you and your situation. Let these ideas inspire you to develop your own unique ceremony.

MUSIC

Having music at weddings dates back to the days when noise was thought to keep evil spirits away. For present-day weddings, appropriate music can add solemnity, praise, and joyous celebration to the wedding ceremony. There are unlimited pieces of music, both traditional and contemporary, to choose from. Talk with your partner about what music has special meaning to you: as you were growing up, as you dated, etc. Also consider music which has cultural or family importance.

Consider involving talented family and friends in the ceremony by asking them to sing a solo or duet. Or ask them to organize a choir. Perhaps they can offer their talent as a wedding gift to you. You might also choose one or more appropriate hymns which can involve the participation of all guests.

There are a number of places to incorporate music into your ceremony. Traditionally, the prelude includes instrumentals played by an organist or pianist as guests are seated. During the processional, the tempo of the music usually picks up and the wedding party enters. Hymns, vocal music and contemplative instrumentals can be inserted in various places throughout the ceremony. During one ceremony, a soloist sang "The Lord's Prayer" as the couple knelt in prayer following their vows. As the wedding party leaves during the recessional, you might choose joyous hymns of praise or celebratory instrumentals. One couple, as they turned from the altar for the recessional, asked guests to join them in a rousing rendition of "I've Got That Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart."

It is best not to have any background music when people are speaking during the ceremony. Music during these times makes it difficult for people to hear, and distracts from the sentiments being shared.

When planning a church wedding, there might be some restrictions on music choices and placement. Check with the officiant or music director on this. The following is a list of some possibilities:

Instrumentals

Hymns

Special Vocal Music

PROCESSIONAL

During the processional, mentioned in the section on music above, the wedding party enters the place the ceremony will occur. If you choose to have a processional and a wedding party, there are many possibilities as to number of attendants and the order they enter. As a couple, spend some time discussing if you want attendants, and if so, how many and whom they will be. You don't necessarily have to have a large, traditional wedding party with a maid or matron of honor, a best man, bridesmaids, flower girl, and ring bearer. There are many alternatives from which to choose. Some couples choose to have their parents or entire families escort them. Others choose not to have attendants at all.

Spend some time considering how the wedding party will enter. In the Russian Orthodox tradition, couples process up the aisle together, following the priests. During one ceremony mentioned in Write Your Own Wedding (Follett Publishing Co., 1979), the groom, from the pulpit, read the Song of Songs as the bride all alone walked up the aisle toward him.

In one English tradition, the entire wedding party walks to the church together in a procession (an age-old custom that protected the couple from jealous ex-suitors). For this procession, a flower girl leads the way, sprinkling petals along the road to signify a happy route through life for the bride and groom.

In Finland, laurel leaves symbolizing fertility are laid outside the town hall or church as a bridal path. A symbolic hand-painted duck or live goose and gander (all of which mate for life) are carried in a Korean wedding procession as a reminder of fidelity.

WORDS OF WELCOME

Traditionally, the minister or officiant welcomes guests and thanks them for their presence. More recently, some couples have decided to greet their guests themselves. You might also ask a family member(s) to do this for you. Other couples prefer to greet their guests in a wedding service bulletin and eliminate this element from the ceremony.

OPENING WORDS AND SERMON

In many weddings, the officiant makes a short statement on the meaning of marriage, particularly as revealed in the Bible. The officiant may also speak of the significance of the ceremony about to take place. It is also appropriate to include a few words about the couple and their history. Some couples choose to give the opening words themselves or ask friends or family members to participate.

If you choose to have an officiant, friends, or family members give the opening words, talk to them about elements you would like covered. One rabbi in Pacific Palisades, California asks engaged couples to each write a short paragraph about what attracts them to their partner. He then encourages the couple to read this aloud during the ceremony or he incorporates their words into his sermon.

In addition to these opening words, many ministers plan to give a lengthier sermon on marriage later in the ceremony. Talk with the minister about your preferences and discuss content if possible.

PRAYERS

Prayers offer an added sense of solemnity and praise. During a wedding ceremony, people often pray for God's guidance and direction. Prayers usually include words of thanksgiving for this happy occasion as well. It is also appropriate to offer prayers that show concern for the needs of the world, the poor and the suffering. Many churches and officiants offer guidance, including books which provide appropriate prayers.

Often, the officiating minister offers prayers. Some couples say prayers themselves or ask a member of the wedding party or a family member to take part in offering prayers. Prayers said by a parent(s) can have special meaning and impact during a wedding ceremony.

For a second marriage, one couple adapted their wedding ceremony to include adoption prayers and liturgy so the woman and her new step-son could say vows as stepmother and step-child. And in one Jewish wedding custom, memorial prayers are offered for a deceased parent of either the bride or groom.

SCRIPTURE READINGS

Scripture readings that focus on the meaning of marriage are often a part of a religious wedding ceremony. The officiant may read or refer to Scripture during his/her opening words or sermon. And the officiant, couple, family, or friends may read Scripture passages during other parts of the ceremony. Some couples concerned with Scripture passages which use non-inclusive language, seek out alternative translations or slightly alter the passages. Check with your officiant to become aware of any restrictions concerning Scripture alteration or other issues. (Some denominations have inclusive language lectionaries.)

The Roman Catholic Church is one which places some restrictions on readings. A traditional Catholic wedding mass calls for a reading from the Old Testament, one from the Epistles, and one from the Gospels. A listing of the permitted readings is usually available to you as you make your choices.

The following are some passages commonly used during wedding ceremonies:

COMMUNION

Since Communion can remind us of Christ's first miracle during the wedding feast at Cana, it is appropriate for the couple and their guests to celebrate unity in Christ through this sacramental meal at a church wedding. For some weddings, friends or relatives have baked the bread. And some couples have taken the role of serving Communion to their guests. Especially if your wedding is interreligious or guests are from many different faiths, take time to consider how others might feel during this part of the ceremony.

POETRY AND SPECIAL READINGS

By including poetry and special readings which have been meaningful to you or ones which express your feelings for each other, you can make the ceremony more personal. Some couples choose to read selections to each other while others ask family members or friends to read some aloud.

The following is a list of a few possible poems and readings:

THE GIVING IN MARRIAGE

In past times, this element of the wedding was a time for the bride's father to formally "transfer property" of the bride to the groom. Because times and attitudes about marriage and women have changed greatly since the time this custom was instituted, many couples have chosen to drop or amend this practice. Possibilities include changing the wording to, "Who presents this woman . . ."; or having both sets of parents offer their blessings. Some ceremonies allow time for parents (or all immediate family members) to offer brief statements of love, encouragement, and best wishes for the union. Family members might also give a brief history of each family being joined.

GROUP PARTICIPATION

Many contemporary weddings encourage participation of all those in attendance. Guests are included in the celebrations rather than considered passive observers. One mother-of-the-bride shared with us these words offered by her guests: "I felt like we were all part of the ceremony;" "I had a large part to play, not just watching from a distance while something I couldn't quite hear, nor see, was going on;" "There was so much love in that place, and I was part of it."

In addition to partaking in the music through special songs and hymns, guests might read a litany like this one shared by David and Carolyn Schrock-Shenk:

We have witnessed evidence of your love and heard expressions of your faith and hope. You have recognized that human existence is not a solitary walk. The development of your relationship is for us another window through which to view the richness of life-sharing.

Our relationships with you have blended growth and change. You have sought strong participation and welcomed rich diversity. The journey will continue beyond this moment.

We offer our love and support, strong strands that bind us as one. Our own strivings for unity are renewed by your statements of commitment.

Go forward; know God; be encouraged. We will remind you of these commitments. We will rediscover strength through your desire to serve others and reach out. We will share wisdom and celebrate living.

A cord of three strands is not easily broken.

For one wedding ceremony, guests were asked to bring bells as symbols of joy. Guests were encouraged to ring the bells at different times throughout the ceremony. One African custom calls for the bride's guests to line up on one side of the room, the groom's guests on the other. They then walk forward to meet in the middle, embrace, and then switch sides. This symbolizes the marriage of two families.

A Quaker wedding includes time for silent meditation, during which guests may offer words of encouragement and love. Another Quaker custom calls for guests to sign a marriage certificate, committing themselves to foster the union. Here is a sample certificate:

Certificate of Commitment

Whereas Ann Bryn Houghton, daughter of Gaynell Gilbert Houghton and Peter Houghton, and Vincent Edward Brown, son of Bernice Putnam Brown and Louis Brown, having declared their intentions of commitment to each other at the Atlanta Monthly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends held at Atlanta, Georgia, their celebration was allowed by that meeting.

This is to certify that for the accomplishment of their intentions on this 17th day of the eighth month of 1991, they, Ann Bryn Houghton and Vincent Edward Brown, appeared in a meeting for worship held at the Atlanta Meeting. Ann Bryn taking Vince by the hand did on the solemn occasion declare that she with great respect and love, came here in the presence of the Spirit and these friends to take Vince as her loving companion, promising with divine assistance to be a source of strength, comfort, happiness, understanding, joy and love to him as long as they both shall live.

And in that same assembly, Vince did in like manner declare that he took Ann Bryn to be his loving companion, promising with divine assistance to be a source of strength, comfort, happiness, understanding, joy and love to her as long as they both shall live.

And then they, Ann Bryn and Vince in further confirmation thereof, to this certificate set their hands.

And we having been present at the celebration of commitment have as witnesses hereunto set our hands.

If you decide to include participation of guests, you will need to let people know before or during the ceremony what is expected of them. When guests will be asked to read a litany, a prayer, or some other words consider providing the text in a wedding bulletin or special handout.

EXCHANGE OF VOWS

The wording of the vows is the most common element couples choose to personalize. Some choose to make minor changes in the standard vows of a customary ceremony, to make the language more contemporary and/or to substitute words which express greater equality. Others choose to completely rewrite the vows to better express their feelings for each other. Vows might include information as to the couple's backgrounds and need not be the same for both partners. If you choose to write personalized vows, you might begin by writing down feelings you have for your partner, beliefs you have about marriage in general, and thoughts on how you envision your life together. While you may create your vows to each other separately, it is best to share them with each other before the actual ceremony so there are no surprises or uncomfortable feelings. As some religious denominations require key elements be included in the vows, if you plan on a religious ceremony you should check with the officiant before you get too far along.

Depending on whether your ceremony is a first marriage, a second marriage for one or both of you, or a vow renewal ceremony, special considerations might be in order. Michelle DeLoach Harper shared with us this excerpt of her vows for her vow renewal service: "In our years of marriage times have been better, times have been worse, we have been richer, we have been poorer, we have been sick, we have been healthy. I stand here today, ten years and two daughters later, to tell you, our family and our friends, that I would do it all over again."

While some authors of wedding books suggest keeping vows short - no more than five sentences - some couples choose to say much longer vows. Dave and Carolyn Schrock-Shenk created the following vows for their alternative wedding ceremony:

I love you, Carolyn. I give you my love as a gift. You don't need to earn it; you don't need to question it; and you don't need to fear the loss of it. I commit myself to loving you for as long as we live.

I commit myself to spending a lifetime building a relationship with you. I commit myself to being as open to change and growth when we are 50 as when we were dating. I want us to enjoy our relationship at every step of the way, even as we seek to grow.

I commit myself to continue to grow by absorbing your strengths. I admire the person you are and have appreciated your influence in my life. I want to continue to learn from you about being honest in our relationship, about the willingness to openly express who we are, and about the value of silence and reflection in our lives. I want to learn from you about being open to others and their viewpoints, and about exploring new ideas and ways of thinking. And I want to learn from you how to relax, how to have fun, and how to make the everyday parts of life enjoyable. I also commit myself to working gently with you on your weaknesses.

I commit myself to helping develop your potential and talents. As your partner, I make my strengths and energies available to you for the fulfillment of your dreams. I commit myself to avoid putting role expectations in your way. I want you to be free to develop in whatever direction is right for you.

I commit myself to honesty and openness about my sense of how God's love and message can be worked out in our lives and with those we meet. I commit myself to accountability to you and your sense of God's leading.

I remember one rainy day when we came so close to not patching up a difference we had had. But we began to talk and then to share ideas of what we wanted life to be. That's when we realized how closely our dreams matched. I commit myself to resisting the death of our dreams, to resisting the pressure of compromise and dullness. I commit myself to keeping the hope of newness and growth alive.

Carolyn, I love you, and because of that love, I will listen and talk to you; I will laugh and cry with you; I will go for walks with you and rub your back. I will live with you and grow old with you. I will be your partner, friend, confidant, and lover for a lifetime.

I like you, Dave. I enjoy being with you. I trust you. I believe in you . . . I love you. The love I commit to you is permanent and unconditional. You don't have to perform or meet a set of criteria. I simply love you as you are. Neither of us is perfect, nor is the world we live in perfect, but I commit myself to loving you even when things fall short of what we wish for or hope for.

I commit myself to keeping our relationship alive and growing. The pains of growth and change are hard for me to cope with at times, but the rewards are obvious. I would not be marrying you today if it hadn't been for those growth times - times that almost seemed to destroy us while we were in them. I want to continue that change process and to find new dimensions for our relationship as well as individually.

I commit myself to continue learning from your strengths. You have taught me so much about affirmation, about loving myself, and open communication rather than silent retreat, about sensitivity, about giving. I want to keep learning from you. I also commit myself to deal gently with you in your weaknesses.

I commit to helping you develop your potential. You are a person of many talents and abilities. I will support you and encourage you as you find new ways to use and develop those gifts. I will work hard at freeing you from role expectations and demands for certain kinds of performance in order to give you the opportunity to do and be what's right for you.

I commit myself to continue searching for new ways to live out our call to discipleship as followers of Jesus. I want to discover what that means for us together. I commit myself to being a peacemaker with you - to reach out to our neighbors both next door and around the world with the message of love, peace, and justice.

And finally, I commit myself to keeping our dreams alive. We are saying big things here today, and in some ways we may be idealistic - we have a lot to learn. But I commit myself to keep on dreaming and to work hard at keeping those dreams alive.

Dave, I love you, and because of that love, I will both listen and talk to you, laugh and cry with you. I will go for walks with you and rub your back. I will live with you and grow old with you. I will be your partner, friend, confidant, and lover for a lifetime.

BLESSING AND EXCHANGE OF RINGS/SYMBOLS

If the couple chooses to exchange rings, this is the time during the ceremony when they place rings on one another's fingers. Since the exchange of rings seals or symbolizes the pledges of devotion the couple offers to each other, this element usually comes right after the exchange of vows. An officiant might bless the rings with a statement on the symbolism. This statement can also be said by the couple.

Joseph M. Champlin, in his book Together for Life (Ave Maria Press, 1970), suggests a slight alteration of the ring exchange: The couple places the ring only part way on his/her partner's finger, indicating the giving of oneself to the other. The partner then draws the ring on the rest of the way him/herself showing acceptance of that gift and commitment.

While the trend today is toward the double ring ceremony (rather than one in which only the bride is given a ring), alternatives do exist. Take time to consider the importance of this symbol to you. Are there symbols other than rings that you might prefer? (See the section on "Rings/Symbols" in Planning an Alternative Wedding: Food, Flowers and Festivities.)

LIGHTING A UNITY CANDLE

This element is becoming more and more common in wedding ceremonies. Usually, two separate candles are lit, one by each set of parents. These two candles represent each partner's separate life. Then near the end of the wedding service, each partner takes one of the candles and lights a single candle. At this time, someone might read an appropriate Scripture passage, such as Genesis 2:23-24 which speaks of "two becoming one." The couple might also make some statement about their union.

After the unity candle is lit, sometimes the original candles are extinguished, and other times they are left burning. W. Clyde Tilley, former professor in the Department of Religion and Philosophy at Union University in Jackson, Tennessee, says:

When all three candles are left burning, this can speak of a mystical participation in which a oneness is formed but in which the constituent personalities are not negated or overridden. . . . [On the other hand], a couple may see a need to emphasize the "forsaking all others" clause in the ceremony and may wish to do it by extinguishing the candles.

Consider the symbolism and make a choice which fits your beliefs.

DECLARATION OF MARRIAGE

This element is a formal statement which declares the couple is now united. In a church wedding, the officiant often combines this with a charge to the couple to work together at building their relationship and a Christian home. Comments on the holiness and permanence of marriage are often shared as well.

BENEDICTION

This final blessing of the marriage usually takes the form of a short statement and/or prayer given by the officiant, the couple, a friend, or a family member.

RECESSIONAL

Often, the couple leaves the area where the ceremony took place arm-in-arm, followed by their parents and members of the wedding party. Guests might throw rice, confetti, or birdseed as they exit. (Ask church leaders or location management if there are restrictions on throwing rice, etc.) The wedding party members sometimes join to form a receiving line to greet guests as they depart. However, some couples choose to greet guests in a receiving line at the reception.

OTHER

Take some time to think of other elements you might want to include in your ceremony. When Margaret Yackel and Mark Juleen were married in Circle Pines, Minnesota, they created an element which displayed and merged their talents: Mark composed a song and shared it during the ceremony while Margaret did an interpretative dance.

Some couples include a peace greeting as an element of their ceremony. The officiant bestows love and peace on the couple with a handshake, inviting the couple to exchange a sign with each other - a formal kiss. The peace greeting is then extended to other wedding members and to guests.

Putting It All Together

Now that you have some idea about what elements you would like to include, consider how you might arrange them. Look over the ceremonies that people have shared with us (following the special suggestions for those planning vow renewals or second marriage ceremonies) to get some sense of how the elements can be incorporated into different kinds of ceremonies.

Ideas for Vow Renewal Ceremonies

As one woman wrote to us, "With all the gloomy divorce statistics these days, staying married is at least as worthy of a celebration as getting married." And that it is!

Renewing your vows and reaffirming your commitment to each other can be a meaningful and important celebration. Couples have many reasons for reaffirming their marriage commitment. Some repeat their vows shortly after the original ceremony for relatives and friends who live far away and were not able to attend the wedding. Other couples renew their vows to celebrate a milestone anniversary.

One couple found a need to renew their vows following major changes in their lives. Karen Henize Geiger explains:

Our life together had taken some unprecedented twists. (Doesn't everyone's?) In the face of those changes, it was important to remind ourselves of the constancy of the feelings we held for each other and the permanence of the promises we had made to each other. Five years also seemed to be a good time to reread our vows, assess our successes and failures in living up to them, and resolve to make improvements. Finally, we had found a strong faith community after our marriage and wanted to restate our commitments to each other before them. . . .

When we renew our vows at our tenth anniversary next year, I plan to expand on our original promises to include additional things I now believe to be important to a good marriage. I have learned so much about what it means to honor, trust, understand and respect, and how hard those promises can be to keep. So, I would not delete any of those, but would add: a promise to listen more and argue less; to compromise; to support and encourage each other in work and community endeavors and in our spiritual journeys; to talk often about our feelings; to make time to have fun together. . . . The next time around, I would also like to make promises to my children.

If you are considering renewing your vows, take time to talk with your partner about why reaffirming your vows may be important to you. If you decide to plan a vow renewal, discuss the type of ceremony you envision. Use the following list to guide you in the planning process:

  1. A reaffirmation ceremony can be anything from a church service to a picnic. You can recreate your original wedding, including setting, music, readings, etc. Or you can create an entirely new celebration.
  2. The reaffirmation can include just a few people, close friends and immediate family or a larger group. Perhaps, like Karen Heinze Geiger, you may wish to restate your commitments before new friends or a new faith community.
  3. You can restate your original vows or write new ones. Decide on what is most important to you. Review your original vows. Do they still cover the important promises you feel your marriage is based on? Would others more clearly state your feelings?
  4. Include special music and readings, either those used in your original ceremony or others that have taken on special meaning.
  5. Some couples wear clothing worn at the original service. Some choose other special outfits or everyday clothing. Would wearing your original wedding attire hold more meaning for you? Or would some other outfit better represent who you are today?
  6. While some couples ask the original attendants to be a part of their vow renewal, others ask their children or new friends. Recognizing the importance of family, some couples with children choose to involve their children in some way. It can be quite meaningful to include children in the procession and/or to ask them to offer words of love and encouragement. Still others prefer to have no attendants. Perhaps entering alone arm-in-arm would be more appropriate to your situation.
  7. Many couples choose to have a celebration after the vow renewal service. Choices include a potluck dinner, a barbecue picnic, a sit-down meal, dinner at a favorite restaurant, etc. Ask yourselves: What kind of post-ceremony gathering do we want, if any? What is in keeping with our budget? Who will be invited?
  8. Consider borrowing items you need for the celebration to keep costs at a minimum. When you must squeeze money out of the household budget to pay for celebration needs, money may be a big concern. Vow renewals don't have to cost a lot of money. Borrow items you need, such as clothing, chairs, eating utensils, tablecloths, candles, etc. (See Planning an Alternative Wedding: Food, Flowers and Festivities for more ideas.)
  9. If you plan to send out invitations or to have a wedding bulletin, consider including an original wedding photograph or a photo of your family today. This can make the celebration even more personal and can offer guests a memento of the occasion.

Ideas for Second Marriages

More and more weddings celebrate the union of people who are divorced or widowed. While most second-marriage wedding ceremonies are less extravagant than first-time weddings, they are just as worthy of a celebration. These weddings bring with them unique situations that couples should consider. The following list suggests some issues to think about:

  1. Talk openly and honestly with each other about the shape you see your lives taking. Consider any obstacles you may encounter. Talk frankly about your financial situation. (Will child support payments be taken from the family budget? Will you need to find a larger - and more expensive - house?) Also discuss how you will pay for the wedding. This will probably have an effect on the kind of wedding celebration you plan. Recognize you will need to be open to new ways of relating to your partner. Each of you brings different traditions and ways of doing everyday things to the marriage. Be ready to compromise. By working together to plan the wedding, you can begin to find common ground.
  2. If one or both of you have children from a previous marriage, consider how this new union will affect them. Be prepared to handle resentments and jealousies. Tell children about your wedding plans right away. Talk to them about their feelings and make them feel an important part of the new family. Consider involving children in the planning process. Take them along to choose a location. Encourage them to make special decorations for the celebration. Ask children to escort you down the aisle. Give children the opportunity to offer words of encouragement during the ceremony. Include a prayer of blessing for your new family. If children are young, make arrangements for someone to keep on eye on them during the wedding.
  3. Choose the type of ceremony you would like - church wedding, civil ceremony, simple celebration, traditional wedding, etc. Some second-marriage couples who want a more relaxed, informal ceremony, plan their wedding at a chapel, at one of their homes, or at a garden or park. Talk about what is important to each of you.
  4. Consider creating a wedding ceremony that incorporates your shared values and family traditions. You may want to personalize your vows so they reflect the promises you are making. Use special songs and readings that express your unique situation. (Talk to the officiant about any restrictions on the ceremony content and wording.)
  5. Choose and meet with the officiant. Some ministers may not marry people who have been divorced. If you find this is so in your case and you still want a church ceremony, ask if another officiant can perform the ceremony in your church or find a nearby church that doesn't have this restriction.
  6. Many officiants require pre-wedding counseling. A clergyperson can guide you as you explore some of the obstacles you may face. There are also a number of good resources available. (See the listing of resources at the end of Outward Signs of Inner Values.)
  7. Discuss your guest list. Do you want a large celebration or an intimate one? Will you invite children? Will you invite ex-relatives who are still close to you? How will this make your partner feel?
  8. Second marriages are usually less extravagant. For this reason, couples often choose to have fewer attendants. Some couples choose to have two witnesses. Many couples involve children in the procession. Others enter alone arm-in-arm.
  9. Because some etiquette books say a white wedding gown is inappropriate, some women wear ivory or off-white. Others disregard these "rules" and wear white because it is important to them. Second-marriage partners usually choose clothing which is less extravagant. Many couples feel freer to wear simple clothing that they can wear again. Discuss your preferences.
  10. Many second-marriage couples have two well-established homes. Therefore, you may wish to discourage guests from giving gifts. It would be appropriate, however, to ask guests to make a donation to a worthwhile cause if they are determined to give a gift.

Sample Ceremonies

SAMPLE ONE

This ceremony, written by Rev. Donna Rose-Heim, a Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) minister in Odessa, Missouri, is best done in a "U" shaped seating arrangement. There is not one minister but many who participate, both lay and ordained.

LITURGICAL CELEBRATION

Prelude

(A variety of family members and friends carry in the elements of worship, i.e. communion elements, candles, family Bible, rings, etc. There are also two banners, one to the right and one to the left that are later joined to make one picture.)

Processional

(Bride and groom enter separately.)

RITE OF GATHERING

Call to Worship

Opening Hymn

(These are made inclusive and are printed in the bulletin when copyrights allow for this.)

Opening Prayer

Act of Reconciliation

(Passing of the Peace)

LITURGY OF THE WORD

Reading

Responsorial Psalm

(sung with choir or cantor)

Reading

(Response - soloist, etc.)

Reading

Communal Sermon

(All are invited to share words with the couple and congregation as God's spirit leads.)

Pastoral Prayer

LITURGY OF A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE

Act of Visioning

(Couple shares a song or reading that demonstrates their view of their covenant.)

Covenant With Families

Pastor: This couple needs the support of their families, for they cannot live out their vision alone. Do you, their families, promise to continue to love and to nurture them, to keep your lives forever open to them that they, in turn, may love and nurture you?

Families: We do.

Covenant With the Church

Pastor: Do you likewise promise to love and to nurture ________ and _________, to be open to their friendship, to support them and to be supported by them as they answer the calls of God in their marriage and in their ministries?

All: We do.

Covenant With the Couple

Pastor: _________ and __________, as you prepare to enter into a new covenant with God, with one another, and with the Church, we ask that you live with faith in the coming reign of God, with hope that you are called to its realization on earth, and with love as if it were already here. Will you, in this spirit, in freedom, and in truth now make your vows.

Couple: We will.

Exchange of Vows

One partner then the other: I take you, as a gift from God, to be my lifelong companion through tears and laughter, sickness and health, work and play. I will love you faithfully, constantly and prayerfully, now and forever. Amen.

Exchange of Rings

One partner then the other: Take this ring as a sign of my love and a reminder of our covenant in God.

Unity Candle

(A song is shared during lighting of candle.)

Blessing of the Couple

LITURGY OF THE EUCHARIST

Consecration

Pastor: We ask all to extend a hand over the bread and cup and to pray:

(In unison): Let Your Holy Spirit, O God, be upon us and upon these gifts, that in our communion we may truly become one in the God and Blood of our Savior, Jesus Christ, at whose invitation we now celebrate this Eucharist.

(All come forward and receive communion from the couple.)

RITE OF DISMISSAL

Closing Hymn

(Some have used "We Shall Overcome" sung in a circle.)

Dismissal

Postlude

SAMPLE TWO

Officiated by an Evangelical Lutheran (ELCA) minister, this marriage ceremony of Margaret Yackel and Mark Juleen took place at the home of the bride. The ceremony includes a song, composed and sung by the groom and a dance by the bride.

Prelude

Instrumentals for flute and cello

Solo - "Since You Asked" by Dan Fogelberg

Processional

"Jesus Shepherd"

"Our Song" (The Circle of Love) composed and sung by Mark, dance by Margaret

THE MARRIAGE SERVICE

Scripture Reading

I Corinthians 13

Homily

(by Pastor)

Hymn

"The King of Love My Shepherd Is" (everyone sing!)

Vows

Couple: I promise to be faithful to you, open and honest with you.
I will respect, trust, help, and care for you.
I will share my life with you.
I will forgive you as we have been forgiven.
I will lead with you a simple, just, and peaceful life as Christ has called us to live,
And with you I will work to further simplicity, justice, and peace in our world.
I will love you and be thankful for the blessing of your love until death parts us.

Exchange of Rings

Solo

"Ruby Jean and Billy Lee" by Seals and Crofts

Gifts of Flowers to Parents

"The Gift of Love" by Hal Hopson

Hymn

"For the Beauty of the Earth" (everyone sing!)

Scripture Reading

Colossians 3:12-17

SAMPLE THREE

This is the wedding ceremony of Alice Ann Glenn, a Diaconal Minister in the United Methodist Church and Joseph Richard Turner, III, an artist. The ceremony took place on June 2, 1979 at First St. John's United Methodist Church in San Francisco, California. It was designed to encourage the participation of everyone who attended. Music was also important to the couple and so is a key element.

Prelude

"Vals Venezolano" by Antonio Lauro

"Gavotte Chôro from Suite populaire brésilienne" by Heitor Villa-Lobos; Peter Shavitz, Guitarist

"Variations on Greensleeves" Mary Ellen Novitsky-Hutchison, Flutist

Opening Words

Minister: Friends, we are gathered together here in the presence of God and with you as witnesses, as well as with the blessing of family and friends around the world, to join Alice Ann and Joseph Richard in holy marriage, a relationship which has been instituted by God. Norma will share with us how these two special people came to today.

(Mother-of-the-bride, shares a brief history of Alice Ann and Joseph Richard.)

Minister: Marriage signifies the mystical union which exists between Christ and the Church, the holy union Christ blessed with his presence in Cana of Galilee. Marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly, but reverently, discreetly and in the awe of God. Alice Ann and Joseph Richard come to be joined in this union of marriage.

Scripture Reading

John 13:34 TEV

Statement About Marriage

(Minister and others take part) Marriage is the most sacred of human institutions because no other ties are more tender, no other vows more significant. Its moral validity is dependent upon the free choice and honesty with which you enter into this relationship, or there is no true marriage.

Love, that strong and tender tie that will bind you together through all phases of your life, must be expressed through care and respect for each other's integrity, and so nurture the growth of each individual. As you live together, you will find that you are very human and that you will make mistakes, but one thing you must always remember is that your lives must rise above the petty things of life and find expression in tenderness, patience, loyalty, and trust.

A marriage brings two individuals into a unique relationship with each other - one which grows and develops as each continues to experience him or herself and others. Mature love is a union where each individual's integrity is preserved. Such love allows us to retain our identity as individuals. In love the paradox occurs that two people become one and yet remain two.

This celebration of marriage is an outward token of an inward union of hearts, which the church may bless and the state make legal, but which neither state nor church can create or annul, a union created by loving purposes and kept by abiding will. It is for us to acknowledge and witness the true marriage which already dwells in the hearts of Alice Ann and Joseph Richard. This marriage asks the blessings of God so these lives will be full of joy and the home being established will be one of peace and love.

Questions Regarding the Desire for Marriage

Minister: Joseph Richard, will you take Alice Ann to be your wife, to live together in marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and respect her, in sickness and in health, and forsake all others and be faithful only to her as long as you both live?

Joseph Richard: I will.

Minister: Alice Ann, will you take Joseph Richard to be your husband, to live together in marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and respect him, in sickness and in health, and forsake all others and be faithful only to him as long as you both live?

Alice Ann: I will.

Affirmation of This Union

(Unison prayer) O God, we ask that the promise and hope of this marriage be fulfilled. May the happiness and intimacy of this day be recalled many times. May this marriage be a source of independent strength and will; a reflection of connected lives; a recollection of the past; and a ribbon of love through the future. May Alice Ann's and Joseph Richard's anger at themselves and the world be honest and lively, may silence and despair never separate them; may they always return to each other. May we as friends welcome them again in other times and other seasons. In the years that lie ahead, may Alice Ann and Joseph Richard go from strength to strength. Should they fall, may we as members of their family, help them rise. Should we fall, may they help us, through the special gifts You have given them. All this we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Scripture

I Corinthians 13 RSV (with music and dance)

Vows of Commitment

Minister: Alice Ann and Joseph Richard, what is your pledge to each other?

Couple (together): I promise, with God's help, lasting love. By love, I mean that I share with you my heart, my body, my soul, my mind and my strengths. Through good times and bad, in serious times and in play, I give you my friendship, loyalty, companionship, understanding, affection, trust, intimacy, honesty and respect.

These include: accepting you as you are and not as I think you ought to be, listening to you and understanding what I hear, discussing our differences, dealing with today's new challenges, forgiving each other, touching and silence when words fail.

I am excited to join with you, but not to dominate you. I pledge to cherish you in times apart as well as the times together. I promise to encourage your growth into full personhood as an individual and as my marriage partner. I know we can help each other learn and grow and I hope we can share learning and growth with others.

Readings

The Attitude of Love and A Universal Love, by Erich Fromm

Selections from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

Blessing and Exchange of Rings

Minister: The weddings rings are the outward and visible signs of an inward and spiritual grace, signifying to all the uniting of Joseph Richard and Alice Ann in holy matrimony. Let us pray. Bless, O God, the giving of these rings, that they who wear them may abide in your peace and love, and continue in your favor, through Jesus Christ. Amen.

Joseph Richard: Alice Ann, I give you this ring as a symbol of my faith and love. I pray in Jesus' name for God's blessing on our marriage. Amen.

Alice Ann: Joseph Richard, I give you this ring as a symbol of my faith and love. I pray in Jesus' name for God's blessing on our marriage. Amen.

Statement of Marriage

Minister: Forasmuch as Joseph Richard and Alice Ann have consented together in holy wedlock, and have witnessed the same before God and this company, and to this have pledged their faith to each other, and have declared the same by joining hands and by giving and receiving rings, I pronounce that they are husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Those whom God has joined together, let no one put asunder. Amen.

Special Music

"The Wedding Song," by Paul Stookey

Prayer of Presentation

Minister: Let us pray. Eternal God, creator and preserver of all humankind, giver of all spiritual grace, and everlasting life: Send your blessing upon Joseph Richard and Alice Ann whom we bless in your name; that they may perform and keep the vows and covenant they have made, and may forever remain in perfect love and peace, living according to your laws. Look with grace upon Joseph Richard and Alice Ann that they may love, honor and cherish each other, and so live together in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness that their home will be a haven of blessing and peace, through Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Lord's Prayer

The Kiss

Community Blessing

All: O God, we ask for Joseph Richard and Alice Ann the excitement of new discoveries and new creations, that their lives may be an adventure together, wherever they go. We recognize that love is not limited and cannot be contained. We ask that their love extend to their relationship with all people and to the world in which they live. Lord, make Joseph Richard and Alice Ann instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let them bring love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy. Grant that they may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. We dedicate ourselves to the continuing process of helping them to let their love so shine that it touches all who know them. Amen.

Recessional

"Vals Criollo," by Antonio Lauro

SAMPLE FOUR

This is the wedding ceremony of Kimberly Huff and Stephen Bachmann. A Presbyterian (PC-USA) minister who is a close friend of the couple presided. The sermon includes personal words about the couple. The ceremony also includes a time for witnesses to declare their love and encouragement to the couple.

Opening Words

Minister: Friends, we are gathered together this day to join with Kimberly J. Huff and Stephen Richard Bachmann in the celebration of their marriage. In marriage a man and a woman enter into a spiritual and physical union, cherishing a mutual esteem and love, bearing with each other's infirmities and weaknesses, comforting each other in trouble, providing in honesty and industry for each other and for their household, and living together the length of their days as heirs of the grace of God.

Marriage, therefore, is not a state to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, but rather reverently, discreetly, and with due contemplation of the deep commitments and tender emotions which help keep love alive.

For to be true, this brief and outward ceremony must be but a symbol of this which for them is already inner and real - a sacred union of hearts and lives which the church and state may sanction, but which only God may bless, love can create, and conscientious commitment sustain and fulfill.

Into this sacred relationship these two persons come now to be joined.

Steve and Kim, such a union can be created only by your loving purpose, be sustained by your abiding will, and be renewed by your faith in one another.

Declarations

Minister: And so now I ask you: Kim, will you take Steve to be your husband, to live together in constancy and devotion? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, and seek always to deepen the love you now profess?

Kim: I will.

Minister: Steve, will you take Kim to be your wife, to live together in constancy and devotion? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, and seek always to deepen the love you now profess?

Steve: I will.

Minister (to the witnesses): Will you who witness these promises do your best to offer love and encouragement to this marriage? If so, please say, "We will."

Witnesses: We will.

Reading

from Letters on Love, by Rainer Maria Rilke

Sermon

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11a.

Kim and Steve, with some trepidation and more trust, have given me permission to say a few words. When Kim and Steve announced their engagement at Thanksgiving, at least one person was heard to say, "It's about time!"

It is time.

You have established your own identities and interests so that now you can enrich and complement each other.

To a large degree, you are not naive at this stage about relationships and the work they demand. Even the words you chose for this service indicate a keen awareness of the importance not only of love or commitment, but of ongoing trust in one another and in God's grace.

You've had time to begin growing together - to struggle with one another's strengths, weaknesses, and eccentricities; to share anxieties and frustrations; to discover talents you didn't know you had, like Steve's cooking and Kim's tennis.

So this is the time, this is the time to permanently join your gifts, your lives.

You have some fine gifts. Some of your gifts are ones you have in common - you're both crazy, wonderful, fun, crazy people who bring out the best of that in each other; you both have sharp minds and an ability to be critical, to say what you think, to be honest; and you both use those analytical skills and that forthrightness in your caring for others, because you both also have big hearts.

There are a number of ways in which you are different, too. And for the sake of brevity and sparing you some embarrassment, I will forego such things as who's the early riser and who's not, and mention instead, your pragmatism, Kim, and your creativity, Steve.

I see these as hallmarks of who you are as individuals and together as bellwethers for your marriage. I imagine that they are part of what attracts you to each other, what you give to each other, and I suspect that there are times or will be times when those traits make you feel your separateness from one another.

When I do weddings, I normally charge couples to tend their marriage as they have their courtship - to care for one another, to be open to change, to be ready to compromise, and yet also prepared to maintain your integrity as individuals. I think you know to do this, so instead I hope and pray for you that as you tend your marriage you will attend to the qualities, habits, and character traits that each one brings to this marriage as gifts - both those you have in common and those that mark you as different.

My other piece of advice is related - that is "to speak the truth in love." I said earlier that one of the gifts you share is an aptitude for honest communication. It's a gift that can serve you well. In being open and honest with one another you care for yourself, your partner, and your relationship. In speaking directly to one another, your understanding of each other's needs and dreams can grow. You will be able then to negotiate your differences and renew your excitement in one another.

But I want to underline that it is not simply honest communication, "speaking the truth," that is the key, but "speaking the truth in love." For the pledge you make today is not just a profession of the love, the passion, and caring you feel now, but a promise to act in the spirit of love throughout the times and seasons of your life, trusting one another in the ongoing process of establishing identities, working at your relationship, celebrating your achievements, grieving over losses, sharing your anxieties and joys, cleaving to one another and becoming one flesh.

Charge

Minister: Steve and Kim, we who are gathered here to witness your vows do so in the hope that you will each live life more richly together. May your hearts and minds and souls be knit ever more closely together as you share the joys and perils of life. We pray for courage for you when the way is hard, and for humility when fortune favors you. And when there is pain, may there be comfort, forgiveness, and peace. May your home help make the world more homelike and may you find such fulfillment there that you never cease to reach out in love and concern for others.

Vows

Steve: I, Stephen, take you Kimberly to be my wife, to have and to keep from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, to love and to cherish, till death shall part us.

Kim: I, Kimberly, take you Stephen, to be my husband, to have and to keep from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, to love and to cherish, till death shall part us.

Exchange of Rings

Minister: May I have the rings, please.

With these rings you declare yourselves wedded to each other. As you give, receive, and wear these rings, remember the vows you have made; for love is of God, and by the love with which these rings are given and received shall they be blessed.

Steve: Kim, I give you this ring as a sign of my promise.

Kim: Steve, I give you this ring as a sign of my promise.

Pronouncement

Minister: Inasmuch as Kim and Steve have given themselves to each other by solemn vows, with the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of rings, by the grace of God and the power vested in me by the State of Michigan, I pronounce them husband and wife.

Benediction

Minister: May these two people, now married, fulfill this covenant which they have made; having grown to trust themselves and each other, may they be unafraid to accept the challenges before them. Yet may they not only accept and give affection between themselves, but also nourish old friendships and welcome new ones. We who love Steve and Kim hope that the inspiration of this hour will not be forgotten. May they continue to love one another forever. Amen.

SAMPLE FIVE

This marriage ceremony of Cindia Cameron and Steve Rentch took place at a lodge at Lake Rabun, Georgia. It was officiated by a Christian Church (DOC) minister, who was also the mother of a friend of the couple. Included in the ceremony is a reading given by two women from the community where the couple's relationship began.

Opening Music

(Wedding Party enters.)

Welcome

Steve and Cindia: I would like to welcome all our friends and thank you for coming to share this celebration with us. Some of you have traveled far, and we are honored to have you here. You have all been family to us and will be for years to come. We have thought of this wedding as one of many gatherings we hope to have with you all as our lives and families grow and change and intertwine.

Hymn

"Dona Nobis Pacem" (from Rise Up Singing, edited by Peter Blood-Patterson)

Blessing for Commitment

Officiant: Because Steve and Cindia have purposed in their hearts to be joined in marriage and become more completely one, this makes for a holy occasion and something new is born in the universe. I believe God brought you two together and wills for you enduring love and happiness to fill your cup of life to overflowing. Commitment is to marriage what the heart is to the body. It is what sustains life. Commitment is the core of love. If you give yourself, Steve, unconditionally to Cindia and if you, Cindia, give yourself unconditionally to Steve, this giving and this receiving will be blessed by God. It will mean you can conquer any differences, overcome any trials and difficulties. It means that your individual lives will be deeply enriched and the life you build together so ennobled that all who come to know you and those who are a part of your life will be blessed and will call you a joy and a blessing.

Reading

Barbara: Steve and Cindia's relationship spans the lives of many communities. Their relationship began in the context of a community in West Virginia, where Faith and I both live.

Faith: The community I shared with Steve and Cindia included countless breakfasts of sausage and biscuits before work with Cindia; and times like the night Steve ate supper with my children so I could attend a women's health conference; and the many evenings we ate together, talked politics, sang, and danced.

Barbara: Being part of a community involves not only memories of the past, it also means building together toward a future we believe in.

Faith: Community is sharing a vision of things to come and helping one another to come as close to that vision as possible right now on our jobs, in our circle of friends, in the intimacy of our homes.

Barbara: Marriage cannot be sustained without the love and support of the larger community. As Steve and Cindia commit themselves to a new relationship, we are called to recognize and to support them - as friends, as family, and as members all in the human community, connected to one another in a thousand mundane and mysterious ways.

Faith: We want to affirm the value of this marriage within the context of our community by saying, "we do."

Song

"Since You Asked," by Judy Collins

Family Welcomes

Officiant: Because no marriage is only between two people but has a rippling effect, it involves the families from which these have come for a new family to be established. Will a member of the Rentch family welcome Cindia? . . . a member of the Cameron family welcome Steve? (Families offer words of welcome.)

Vows

Officiant: Cindia and Steve in their hearts have made their vows, but they have written them to share with us their commitment to each other.

Cindia: Steve, you have brought me this moment. You have given me your love, and the courage to open new doors in my own life. Your values of family, honesty, and humility and your ability to love and accept people without judging, have helped me to become more of the person I want to be. Therefore, I promise to share with you the brightest mornings of your life, when the sun washes the world with joy and beauty - I will be with you to share and remember. I will share the darkest nights of your life, those moments of sorrow and fear, when the world moves neither forwards nor backwards. I will share these moments and remember. And I will be with you on all those thousands of days in between, in the ordinary flow of life, to share the time and the threads which weave your life together. And your weave and mine will be one and we will grow and share and remember together.

Steve: Cindia, you have been a bright, warm ray of sunlight in my life. You have brought to me happiness and friendship; compassion and understanding. You have made me feel wanted and needed. Because of these and the many other things you have given to me, I stand before you and pledge my love and commitment to our relationship. I promise to be open and honest as best I can. I promise to respect you for the woman that you are and hope to be, to help you grow as you have helped me. I promise to stand by you during life's sad and troubled times as well as the happy and joyful ones. I promise to share my love and my life with you. I make this pledge to you in front of those people who mean the most to us both, our families and our friends. And I know that together we can make our lives as happy and fulfilling as we want. I pledge and promise to do that.

Exchange of Rings

Officiant: Now that you have pledged your love and commitment to one another by exchanging vows, would you have these vows sealed by a gift to each other? (Couple presents rings.)

O Lord, bless these rings that as they are given and received they may be recognized as an outward symbol of your eternal love and the love these two have pledged to one another.

(As the rings are placed) These rings are of gold, precious: so let your love be the most precious earthly possession of your hearts. These rings are made in a circle . . . without end . . . the symbol of eternity. So may your love be to all eternity. Now that Steve and Cindia have pledged their love to one another and have sealed that pledge with the gift of rings, I pronounce you husband and wife. What God and your love have sealed, let no person tear apart.

Hymn

Officiant: Let us all join in singing "For the Beauty of the Earth."

SAMPLE SIX

This is the wedding ceremony of Mark and Eileen Summit, the authors of Outward Signs of Inner Values. The ceremony took place in a Roman Catholic mission church in Santa Clara, California. The ceremony closely follows a Catholic Mass and includes a liturgical dance by the couple and two friends.

Processional Hymn

"Trumpet Voluntare" (Flag-bearers enter.)

Entrance of Families

(Mark and Eileen enter accompanied by their families.)

Welcome

(Mark and Eileen welcome guests.)

First Reading

Micah 6:6-8

Response

All: To you, Yahweh, I lift up my soul, O My God.

Second Reading

I Corinthians 12:31-13:13

Alleluia

Gospel

Luke 10:25-37

Homily

Exchange of Vows

Prayers of the Faithful

Preparation of the Gifts

(Friends prepare the table for communion.)

Eucharistic Prayer

Lord's Prayer

Sign of Peace

Lamb of God

Fraction Rite

I Corinthians 12:4-28

Communion

(songs, "On Eagles' Wings" and "Bread, Blessed and Broken")

Meditation

"Here I Am, Lord" (with liturgical dance performed by the couple and two friends)

Recessional

(song, "Wedding March")

SAMPLE SEVEN

Written by Ellen H. Casey , a United Methodist minister in Hope, Rhode Island, this service was originally developed in an attempt to resist excluding those of Jewish faith or others, yet still remain a Christian wedding ceremony. It has evolved slightly from that form.

Introduction

Officiant: Family and friends, I welcome you to this day of celebration. ___________ and ___________ have invited us to share in their public declaration of lifelong commitment to each other. You who gather are an integral part of this ceremony. Your blessings, support and encouragement are important to this union, not only now, but in the days and years to come.

Amidst the turmoil of our world, with all of life's struggles and concerns, it is with deep joy and a sense of wonder and awe that we pause to affirm the power of love. As we gather to witness the union of __________ and __________, we celebrate the blessings we all cherish in our intimate relationships. This ceremony calls us all to renew our vows of love and commitment one to another.

Let us pray: Spirit of Life, your creative power is seen in the whole universe; in myriad stars and planets, and infinite space. And yet we dare to believe that you care for us and that you are mindful of the things that we do. In your presence we gather today, confirming a new constellation in human relationships - the marriage [union] of ___________ and ___________. Let your Spirit be known among us, that we may do what we do here with our whole hearts and wills, and that the commitment ___________ and ___________ make to each other may be a sign of your love on earth. Amen.

The Charge

Officiant: Through the wedding ritual, two persons declare publicly their intent to enter into a relationship of enduring love.

____________ and ___________, it is absolutely essential that you realize the enormity of what you are about to undertake with these vows. Because you are human, and therefore, subject to error and temptation as all humans are, and because you have no idea of what the future holds for you . . . what joys and sorrows await you, your decision to marry [join] requires tremendous faith on your part.

You must have faith in yourselves as persons in your own right and in what you have to give to each other; faith in your relationship as a couple and in what you can do and be together; and most of all, faith in God and in God's presence with you to guide you in whatever the future holds. You must never forget that the marriage vows are not just vows of love, but they are vows of faithful love for each other grounded in God's love for both of you.

Declaration of Intention

Officiant: ____________ will you take ____________ to be your wife [partner]? Will you show her your love by trusting her, treating her as an equal, and helping her to continue to grow? Will you affirm her and give yourself to her from this day forward?

____________ will you take ____________ to be your husband [partner]? Will you show him your love by trusting him, treating him as an equal, and helping him to continue to grow? Will you affirm him and give yourself to him from this day forward?

The Blessing

Officiant: Let us all remember that the path of love is meant to be walked together with all the human family.

All love is nurtured and guided by the love of others. Each of us counts on relatives, friends, and neighbors for the caring and concern that replenishes our own ability to love. ___________ and __________ are joined together in a new way this day in the midst of the affection and friendship of you all and, most especially, in the presence of those whose love has been their life's companion, their families.

Who blesses this marriage? (Friends and families offer their blessings.)

Scripture

As part of this celebration, ____________ and __________ have selected these scripture passages: (Selected readings are shared.)

Solo

Marriage Vows

Officiant: Let us pray: Eternal God, creator and preserver of all life, giver of all grace: Bless with your Holy Spirit ___________ and ___________. Grant that they may give their vows to each other in the strength of your steadfast love. Amen.

Partner: ___________, I will share with you the joys and pains of life. I will walk with you when you are well, and will comfort you when you are sick.

I will honor you as a person.
I will respect your feelings.
I will let you know that you are special and that you are loved.
I will be your lover and your friend.
I pray that God will bless our marriage [union].

Other Partner: ____________ , I will share with you the joys and pains of life. I will walk with you when you are well, and will comfort you when you are sick.

I will honor you as a person.
I will respect your feelings.
I will let you know that you are special and that you are loved.
I will be your lover and your friend.
I pray that God will bless our marriage [union].

Exchange of Rings

Officiant: The wedding ring is an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual commitment.

Let us pray: Bless, O God, the giving of these rings, that as ___________ and __________ wear them, they may be faithful to the love promised here and may abide in your peace and continue in your favor. Through Jesus Christ our Rock and Redeemer.

Partner: With this ring, I mark the promises I have made to you.

Other Partner: With this ring, I mark the promises I have made to you.

Declaration of Marriage

Officiant: ____________ and __________ , by your promises and actions here today, you have declared yourselves to be forever united in love. On behalf of all gathered here, I pray God's richest blessings on your marriage [union]. In the name of the Creator, Redeemer, and the Sustainer of Life. Amen.

You may kiss.

Candlelighting

Officiant: It was once spoken of a long married couple, "Those two shone like two flaming spirits bound into one fierce blazing torch." To symbolize their covenant of love, ____________ and ____________ will join the light of two candles into one.

Let us pray:

Source and spring of all our joy and hope,
by whose spirits our spirits are continually fed,
through whose mystery the meaning of our life is revealed,
by whose knowledge we come to know ourselves:
Be the abiding and unending presence with this man and this woman [couple],
when they know themselves to be deeply in love
and when they feel estranged,
when they experience elation,
when they know despair.
Because of your love that endures forever,
may their care toward the larger world be shaped by justice and tenderness.
May they discover that when they are faithful toward you and toward each other
that their relationship deepens and grows.
Through the intensity of their life together
may they discover words that nurture,
gestures that heal, thoughts that illumine,
sharing those experiences
that turn life itself
into one continuing act of praise.

This we pray in the name of Jesus Christ our redeemer who taught us all to pray saying, Our Father . . . .

Benediction

God gives love. God renews love. God is love. Celebrate the love within you and let it overflow to enliven all the world. Go now, and may the God of love, joy and peace be with you this day and always. Amen.

Recessional

SAMPLE EIGHT

This wedding ceremony of Georgia Lord and Lynn Leuszler was officiated by Georgia's brother, a Presbyterian Church (USA) minister. It includes readings by friends and family and contemporary music. It also incorporates a traditional Jewish wedding custom of drinking from a wine glass and then crushing the glass.

Opening Words

Ben (officiant): Friends, we are gathered here at this hour to witness and to celebrate the coming together of two separate lives. We have come to join this man, Lynn, and this woman, Georgia, in marriage; to be with them and rejoice with them in the making of this important commitment. The essence of this commitment is the taking of another person in his or her entirety, as lover, companion, and friend. It is, therefore, a decision which is not to be entered into lightly, but rather undertaken with great consideration, respect, and love - for both the other person and oneself.

The symbols of Lynn and Georgia's love for each other surround us. It is in the beauty of a sunset, in the freshness of a meadow in springtime. It is in the magic of the unicorns and in the promise of the rainbow. It is even in the tender beauty of the rose, which has traditionally symbolized romantic love.

Song - "The Rose," by Amanda McBroom

Special Reading

Ben: Georgia and Lynn's friend Ed Senn will share with us a few words by Sir Hugh Walpole.

Ed: "The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident."

Scripture Reading

Ben: To illustrate what they mean by love, Lynn and Georgia wish to read from I Corinthians 13.

Lynn: If I speak with the eloquence of men and of angels, but have no love, I become no more than blaring brass or crashing cymbal.

Georgia: If I have the gift of foretelling the future and hold in my mind all human knowledge and if I also have that absolute faith which can move mountains, but have no love I amount to nothing.

Lynn: This love of which we speak is slow to lose patience - it looks for a way of being constructive. It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to impose nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.

Georgia: Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad when truth prevails.

Lynn: Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no dashing of its hope; it can outlast anything.

Georgia: It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.

Sharing Wine/Crushing Glass

Ben: Wine has long been associated with earth and life. The earth gives life to the grapes which turn with time and care into a rich wine. May you use life and time in a parallel manner to add new dimensions to your love. (Pours wine into glass; hands glass to both Lynn and Georgia.) May you drink always from the full, and the empty will crush beneath you.

(Georgia drinks, then Lynn. Lynn wraps glass in cloth and crushes it.)

In accordance with ancient tradition, we wish that the years of your love be not less than the time it would take to fit these fragments together again.

Special Readings

Ben: Even intense love can be negative love. Love is negative when it traps or confines, or when it makes either of the parties to it weaker rather than stronger. Positive love yields strength and growth to those who share it. Ideally, the strengths of both partners can work together to compensate for the individual weaknesses of each. It enables both partners in a loving relationship to achieve more and be happier then either would on his or her own. Kahlil Gibran discusses this combination of loving support and individual strength in "The Prophet."

Charlotte: (Reads from "The Prophet," by Kahlil Gibran)

Ben: Antoine de Saint-Exupéry claimed that "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction." Lynn and Georgia share a desire for a world free from racism, sexism, violence, and injustice; a world enriched by a feeling of kinship and unity among all its people.

Song - "Imagine," by John Lennon

Passing the Peace

Lynn: We hope you share this wish to live in peace and kinship with all people.

Georgia: We ask you to express this kinship now by turning to those around you and greeting them - with a hug, a smile, a handshake, or a kiss.

Encouragement of Friends

Ben: A partnership is a relationship of sharing. The partners in a marriage share its risks and benefits, its joys and sorrows. They receive its loving support but must be willing to work to make it succeed. Georgia and Lynn's friend Maybelle Ruppert will share a passage describing some of the challenges they must meet as partners.

Maybelle: On this day of your marriage, you stand somewhat apart from all other human beings. You stand within the charmed circle of your love; and this is as it should be. But love is not meant to be the possession of two people alone. Rather it should serve as a source of common energy, as a form in which you find the strength to live your lives with courage.

Today, as you join yourselves in marriage, there is a vast and unknown future stretching out before you. The possibilities and potentials of your married life are great; and now falls upon your shoulders the task of choosing values and making real the moral dreams that other men and women have engendered and died for. In this way, you will create the meaning of your life. If your love is vital, it will make the choosing and acting easier for you.

As T.S. Eliot said, "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

Declaration of Intention

Georgia: I wish to become Lynn's partner, to work with him to meet the challenges of our lives.

Lynn: I wish to become Georgia's partner, to work with her to meet the challenges of our lives.

Officiant's Comments

Ben: Lynn and Georgia, you have expressed your love for each other, the positive effect your love has on your personal development, and your desire to become partners in marriage. As you know, no minister, no priest, no rabbi, no public official can marry you. Only you can marry yourselves. By a mutual commitment to love each other, to work toward creating an atmosphere of care and consideration and respect, by a willingness to face the tensions and anxieties that underlie human life, you can make your wedded life come alive.

It is a long-established tradition that the officiant of a marriage has the privilege, if he chooses, of adding some personal comments relevant to the occasion and to the people who have come to make it a special one. . . .

Blessings from Families

Ben: Georgia and Lynn have come today to be married. Do you, their parents, have any comments you wish to make on this occasion?

Edith: We should like at this time to speak of some of the things which many of us wish for you. First of all, we wish for you a love that makes both of you better people, that continues to give you joy and zest for living, that provides you with energy to face the responsibilities of life.

Melba: We wish for you a home - not a place of stone and wood, but an island of sanity and serenity in a frenzied world. We hope that this home is not just a place of private joy and retreat, but rather serves as a temple wherein the values of your life are generated and upheld. We hope that your home stands as a symbol of humans living together in love and peace, seeking truth and demanding social justice.

Ruth: We wish for you children - children who will not be mere reflections of yourselves but will learn from you your best traits and will go forth to re-create the values you have instilled in them. We hope that you will give your children the freedom to find their own way, that you will stand by them when they need you and will stand aside when it is time for them to seek their personal destinies. But we hope that you will pass on to your children the concept of family, not as an economic unit, but as a transcendent force which brings people close in time of joy and in time of need.

Ben: Will you, their parents, grant them your blessings and pledge them your love and acceptance?

Parents: We will.

Vows

Ben: Lynn, do you take Georgia to be your wife?

Lynn: Georgia, I take you as my wife. I promise to work to become the best person I can possibly be. I promise to help you become the best person you can possibly be. I promise that I will work with you, as an equal partner, to achieve what is best for us both. I promise to treat you always with love, tenderness, and respect. I love you. I wish to share my life with you.

Ben: Georgia, do you take Lynn to be your husband?

Georgia: Lynn, I take you as my husband. I promise to work to become the best person I can possibly be. I promise to help you become the best person you can possibly be. I promise that I will work with you, as an equal partner, to achieve what is best for us both. I promise to treat you always with love, tenderness, and respect. I love you. I wish to share my life with you.

Exchange of Rings

Ben: Lynn and Georgia wish to exchange these rings as symbols of their vows. In many ways this is fitting. The ring is an ancient symbol of everlasting union. The Greeks attributed such mystical qualities of perfection to the circle that when they discovered that this perfect form produced an irrational number in its dimensional relationship they concealed this fact. It is appropriate, however, that this symbol of marriage contains the imperfections of the man and the woman that create it.

(To Georgia) Georgia, as you place your ring on Lynn's finger, repeat from the Song of Solomon, Chapter 5, verse 16: "This is my beloved and this is my friend."

Georgia: This is my beloved and this is my friend.

Ben: (To Lynn) Lynn, as you place your ring on Georgia's finger, repeat: "This is my beloved and this is my friend."

Lynn: This is my beloved and this is my friend.

Declaration of Marriage

Ben: Lynn and Georgia, in expressing your private affirmations before this public company, you have pronounced yourselves husband and wife. You now face the prospect of a richer future than either of you alone could have looked forward to before. Because you have a richer future, you will also enjoy an infinitely greater present. From this moment on, go your separate ways together, remembering always to be each other's best friend. (Couple kisses.)

Lighting of Candles

Ben: The growth of love between a man and a woman enriches all humanity. It can add an increased tenderness and awareness to all those whose lives it touches. Georgia and Lynn wish to symbolize this touching with candlelight. Please light your candle from theirs. This sharing of light indicates their wish that their love may add beauty to the world around them.

Song - "Rainbow Connection," by Jim Henson

 

Personal Experiences

Our wedding ceremony was "ecumenical," in that it was co-officiated by an Episcopal priest and a Disciples of Christ minister, both old friends. One of our grandmothers helped us choose the hymns from among her old favorites. One of the ministers opened the service by recounting the story of our reunion, entitled "Connections," reflecting on the way many friends around the world had participated in this journey. We entered the church arm in arm followed by a procession of our closest family members. This symbolized, according to Vietnamese custom, the accompaniment of our families with us in this important passage and life event. An especially meaningful part of the service was when three close friends who have known us since the beginning of our courtship each stood up in the congregation to offer words of encouragement and blessing. Their meditations reflected their hopes for our happiness as well as their admonitions that we "learn to love one another's differences" - and that we work hard to see that our marriage not become a self-absorbed affair but a pouring out and an offering of love and service to those in greater need.

Michael and Thanh-Xuan Knowles
Washington, DC

As two volunteer refugee workers in Vietnam with the Mennonite Central Committee, we like to say we fell in love clinging to each other in the darkness of our make-shift bomb shelter during a mortar attack on our town. It's almost true. The wedding in our small town Quang Ngai house was international, interreligious and interesting! A Vietnamese Catholic priest gave the homily. A Vietnamese Protestant pastor married us. Two Buddhist co-workers were bridesmaids.

Earl Martin
Akron, Pennsylvania

We wanted lots of music. I turned to a long-time friend who lived in San Francisco, a gifted singer, composer and sensitive to our needs and plan. He wrote a gorgeous piece for us based on I Corinthians 13, located the dancer, and arranged for all the musicians needed to do what was mostly a chamber music type concert before the service.

Alice Ann Glenn
Monterey, California

During "Song of the Soul" the two of us showered family and guests with confetti as a symbol of our exuberance!

Ann Sensenig and Daniel Erdman
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Our wedding was on the one month anniversary of the start of the Persian Gulf War and we sang "Dona Nobis Pacem" (Lord Grant Us Peace) in rounds. It was one of the most transcendent moments of the whole ceremony to hear the voices of families and friends weaving together, and in my mind, spiraling upward and surrounding us all.

Laurel Kearns
Atlanta, Georgia

When planning our vow renewal, I didn't feel that "Here Comes the Bride" would be appropriate so we picked an instrumental version of a song called, "Love Can Make You Happy" from 1969. For the solo it was tough to find an appropriate song with a message of continuing love and devotion rather than a new beginning. We went with a contemporary Christian song called "Perfect Union" which speaks of depending on God in good and bad times. The recessional music was a lively piano version of another oldie - "Oh How Happy You Have Made Me."

Michelle DeLoach Harper

Forest Park, Georgia

The wedding procession of my daughter and son-in-law involved two families . . . the order of the procession was the cross-bearer (one of Greg's two nephews); Greg between his parents; followed by his sister, her husband (the best man), and their second son; next, came Michelle's two sisters and brother; then came Michelle walking arm-in-arm with her mother and father.

Marilyn A. Cramer
Westminster, Maryland

The day of our traditional Hindu wedding, Yatin came to my parents' house. I met him at the door and placed a garland of red roses around his neck, then disappeared into the house. The priest handed Yatin a coconut. Yatin placed it on the ground, stepped on it and broke it. My mother then came and placed a red dot on his forehead using the ring finger of her right hand and welcomed him into the house. Yatin went with the priest and my parents to the small canopy, and the priest began the 2-3 hour ceremony. During the ceremony, my mother's brother came to get me and brought me to the canopy. The priest placed a red chord around Yatin and me and, holding right hands, we walked under the small canopy.

Alka Y. Patel
Jonesboro, Georgia

After Mike (officiant) and we welcomed everyone, my mother welcomed Cliff into our family and Cliff's father welcomed me. They wrote their own greetings - my mother's included a prayer and Cliff's father's was a story - each standing on its own terms. Later, my father and Cliff's mother brought us the rings to exchange.

Kathie Klein
Atlanta, Georgia

 

Instead of having a preacher give a meditation, we had several friends talk about commitment and what it meant to them. The ceremony ended with an open mike time where family and friends responded with memories, advice, and blessings.

Carolyn Schrock-Shenk
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Following the exchange of rings, the homilies and the traditional western vows, we ended the service by reading together to the congregation the Prayer of Saint Francis, as our own prayer and aspiration for a life lived together in humility, peace and sacrificial love.

Michael and Thanh-Xuan Knowles
Washington, DC

The gifts of bread (homemade by one of Michele's sisters) and wine (made by Greg's father), and a monetary gift for St. John's House (our parish's residence, which is offered to one family at a time to help them in their efforts to get back on their feet), were brought forth by both sets of parents and presented to their newly-married children, who, in turn, presented them to the presider.

Marilyn A. Cramer
Westminster, Maryland

Since my mother was our only living parent, she did the history so everyone who came to the ceremony knew "how we got together" and a bit about each of us.

Alice Ann Glenn
Monterey, California

We called together our family and friends to celebrate with us and to be a community of support and encouragement. They shared in spirited four-part singing. Each family shared briefly, "letting go" and welcoming a new member. And everyone signed a congregational response to our vows which now hangs on our wall.

Andre Gingerlich Stoner
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Since this was a second marriage for both of us, it was important for our children - who through our wedding were becoming part of a blended family - to feel as much a part of the service as we did. Accompanied by our children, each of us walked to the altar where each child declared his support of the marriage. Family members from both sides and friends also pledged their support and lighted candles as a symbol of their promises.

Janie Howell
Ellenwood, Georgia

;

;

During a Thai wedding ceremony the couple sits on the floor in front of the monks, then move to a rail where they sit or kneel. They then place their hands in a horizontal prayer position while elders file past them, pour water on their hands, and offer blessings and words of advice.

One Mexican tradition calls for a large loop of rosary beads, symbolizing unity, to be placed in a figure-eight shape around the necks of the couple after they say their vows.

Japanese couples take nine sips of sake, a Japanese wine made from rice, in the san-san-kudo ceremony, becoming husband and wife after the first sip. Family members repeat this at the reception.

Batak couples of the Philippines sit on the floor facing each other during their wedding ceremony. The ceremony is presided over by an elder and usually two witnesses. With their hands, the couple feeds each other some cooked rice. When this is done, the elder pronounces them married.

During the benediction for a traditional Jewish wedding, a small, thin glass (wrapped to prevent splintering) is placed on the floor. The groom then breaks the glass as a symbolic recognition of the sorrows of Israel.

In England, newlyweds may pass through an arch of sabers or swords (for servicepeople), pitchforks (for farmers), nightsticks (for police officers), or other appropriate objects.

During our wedding ceremony, the priest joined my hand and Alka's and put rice and nuts (holy foods) in them. We sprinkled the rice and nuts on the shrine as did our parents. Alka's parents washed our feet with a mixture of milk, honey, sugar, ghee and yogurt. (This mixture is a shows a sign of holiness and respect.) The priest then instructed us to circle the shrine seven times while he offered a prayer. Seven is thought to be a lucky number.

Yatin Patel
Jonesboro, Georgia

During a Native American wedding ceremony, the couple drinks from a two-spouted jug to symbolize the joining of two families.

For an Armenian wedding two white doves are released to signify love and happiness.

Crowns of orange blossoms (symbols of purity and loveliness) are placed on both partners heads during a traditional Greek wedding ceremony. This symbolizes their entrance into the realm of marriage.

Heidi K. Roy is former editor of Alternatives.

Special thanks to all the people who shared their ceremonies and ideas with us.

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