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Outward Signs of Inner Values

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Outward Signs of Inner Values

What Matters for Your Wedding?

by Mark and Eileen Summit

Contents

Introduction

Matt and Michelle stood smiling at each other beneath the huppah carried by Matt's siblings. It was made of over sixty unique muslin squares, hand-decorated by family and friends. During the Christian/Jewish wedding, held in an outdoor arboretum, her father offered traditional Jewish blessings to the couple, and his parents read traditional Christian prayers. The rest of the ceremony was a beautiful combination of these two ancient religions, and included elements of Native American tradition and a respect for the earth.

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Chris and Suzy were married in their neighborhood church. They involved their weekly prayer group in their marriage preparation process, including an engagement ceremony during which they exchanged beaded necklaces, which their friends prayed over. A week before the wedding, the group again gathered to talk about the meaning of weddings and the value of marriage. After the two recently married couples in the group renewed their vows, the wedding rings belonging to Chris and Suzy were passed around so that each person could offer blessings for the couple and their union. On the day of the wedding, friends gathered just after dawn to begin the day with communal prayer and singing. Together the group baked the Eucharistic bread, which would be used in the ceremony that afternoon.

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Pat and Mary had been married years earlier in a quiet outdoor setting near a river, in the presence of their friend, a Christian minister, and two witnesses. No other friends or family were present. The beauty of the scenery and the quiet nature of their ritual reflected values of simplicity and conscious use of resources. Over eight years later, strongly involved in a campus ministry Catholic community, and with their first child on its way, they again publicly acknowledged their commitment to their marriage through a nuptial blessing ritual that took place during the Mass.

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How many of us have dreamt, since we were very young, of getting married? We would walk down the aisle in our gorgeous white gown, a veil and a train flowing behind. Or we would be dashingly handsome in our tuxedo, waiting to marry a most exquisitely beautiful bride. With admiring friends and smiling family present, our beloved would look us in the eye, and say, for all the world to hear, "I do!" And then we would live happily ever after.

Childhood dreams of weddings tend to focus exclusively on the external things - the gown or tuxedo, the flowers, the rings, etc. - often ignoring the deeper reality of weddings. Many couples, sparked by these dreams and fueled by the pressures of family and society, fail to move beyond the outward traditional symbols in order to seek the deeper, richer meaning of the event for their lives. In doing so, they miss an opportunity to make the wedding truly their own.

The couples mentioned above made a different choice, one rooted in personal values and meaningful symbols and traditions. They developed intentional wedding rituals which reflected the love that had grown between them, and the new sense of family which was given public recognition during their weddings.

They integrated their histories and their values into their celebrations, and incorporated traditions that had genuine meaning for them. By doing so, their weddings were more fulfilling for them than the typical wedding. Rather than providing a lavish spectacle adorned with hollow, meaningless trappings, they celebrated what mattered most to them: their union, their new family, their love for each other, and their love for their community and the world.

Too often our culture sees the wedding as separate from the marriage, a one-time event that is disconnected from the life together that follows. We believe a couple must begin to see their wedding as part of the process of becoming married to make their wedding truly meaningful. A ceremony which incorporates the values of the couple can then become a firm stepping stone to a marriage relationship of commitment and stability.

Unfortunately, it is not easy for a couple to make conscious, meaningful choices for their wedding celebration. All too often their creativity and imagination are stifled by numerous social, familial, and religious expectations, many of which have evolved over hundreds of years. The pressures on a couple to perform in a traditionally acceptable, status quo manner can be enormous. Due to this reality, it is helpful to briefly examine some of the history of marriage and weddings, thereby better understanding the influence of tradition on contemporary wedding ceremonies and celebrations.

 

Historical Background

To marry, join or mate is an age-old tradition. And yet the manner of ritualizing the coming together of two lives has been quite varied across religions, cultures, and eras of our human history.

While a comprehensive study of the history of marriage is beyond the scope of this piece, Mark Ishee (Wedding Toasts and Traditions: Sample Toasts and the Origins of Customs, Brentwood, Tenn.: J.M. Productions, 1986), provides a useful framework. Ishee writes,

Marriage as we know it is very different from marriage in former times. Until the Middle Ages, a king could marry his first cousin, a priest [would often] have a wife and several concubines. . . Marriage has often been used as a tool to gain political power, and until comparatively recently a woman often had no voice in choosing her husband.

The author points to three stages in the history of marriage: marriage by force; marriage by contract; and marriage by mutual love.

Marriage by force is indicated in our earliest historical record. A man captured a woman, generally from another tribe (often because of incest taboos). This testified to his strength in warfare. The earliest "best man" aided a friend in the capture of a bride.

According to Ishee, the honeymoon is a relic of the days of marriage by capture as well. Frequently the tribe from which a warrior stole a bride came looking for her, and it was necessary for the warrior and his new wife to go into hiding to avoid being discovered. The honeymoon evolved as symbolic of the period of time during which the bride and groom hid until the bride's kin grew tired of looking for her.

It is clear why marriages by contract developed in time: the revenge exacted by one tribe on another for taking one of their women was costly. At some point, compensation began to be delivered for the stolen woman in an effort to avoid vengeance. Preventing tribal warfare and compensating furious family members led to a property exchange: livestock, land, or another woman would be exchanged for the bride. As Ishee points out:

The very word "wedding" betrays the great stage of wife purchase through which marriages passed. The 'wed' was the money, horses, or cattle which the groom gave as security and as a pledge to prove his purchase of the bride from her father. From this wed we derive the idea of 'wedding' or 'pledging' the bride to the man who pays the required security for her.

As time went on, this "bride's price" took the form of elaborate presents given by the groom to the bride's parents. Negotiated over long periods of time, the sending and receiving constituted that the marriage contract was sealed. This tradition can still be found in many countries throughout the world.

In some cultures, land, livestock and other valuables were given to the groom in the form of a dowry. These goods were offered as compensation to the groom when he assumed the burden of supporting a woman.

Such practices of marriage by contract lasted in England until the middle of the 16th century. The modern practice of "giving the bride away" has its roots in the belief that the bride was property given by the father to the groom. In fact, the phrase "to have and to hold" comes from Old English property transactions.

Marriage by mutual love was rare until fairly recently. You did not marry for love; rather, you were expected to love the one you married. Ishee states,

It was not until the 9th or 10th century that women gained the privilege of choosing or refusing their husbands according to their own judgment. Rare exceptions to this are recorded since primitive times, where women claimed the right to select their mates . . . .

The practice of elopement was an early aspect of marriage by mutual love. It allowed a woman to marry a man of her choosing, rather than one who met her parents' specifications.

 

Weddings and Marriage Today

The above are but a few examples of the roots of the modern marriage ceremony. We live, however, in a completely different world than did our ancestors of previous centuries. More recent historical factors have combined to give us cause to re-examine traditions and history in a new light.

The change in the status of women is one factor that significantly affected the way our culture views weddings and marriage. Throughout the 20th century, social attitudes in the United States have been shifting. Women now expect and demand a more equal status with men; we have indeed moved a long way from the days of capture and coercion of females into marriage.

In this country over the past few decades an increased number of people - for political, economic or sexual reasons - have chosen lifestyles that do not include marriage. Even though marriage has become more of an option of life than a necessity of life, many people choose to express their commitment and partnership within the institution of marriage.

Weddings still abound, and the media have recently proclaimed a new era of romance. "The Wedding" has taken on almost mythic status, supported by a burgeoning "wedding industry" that boasts millions of dollars in sales annually. Newspapers, magazines, and tabloids chronicle the weddings of superstars in the entertainment world, or of royalty . . . Who can forget the hoopla surrounding the wedding of England's Prince Charles and Lady Diana?

The happiness promised by the media cannot sustain itself. Having not found a "Mr. or Ms. Right" who will save the day and make everything perfect, some give up rather than undertake the serious work of marriage. They separate, divorce, or have extramarital affairs in the hopes of finding that elusive ideal. Eventually the excitement of the new relationship leads to talk of commitment, and then plans for another wedding are made, and the cycle of disillusionment begins again.

While modern wedding ceremonies retain religious and secular symbolism and tradition, presenting colorful and romantic scenarios, they often lack the substance that truly expresses the marriage commitment. Couples wishing for more meaningful and personal ceremonies should ask themselves, "Does this symbol have meaning to me today? Does this tradition reflect our values enough to be highlighted on this important day? Are we succumbing to consumer pressures to include some unnecessary elements?"

 

Choosing an Alternative

In spite of various pressures, expectations, and prescribed rituals, you have the power to create a very meaningful, personal wedding ritual. Rather than being passively led by prefabricated timelines, bridal books and wedding lists, you can have the courage to move beyond the external trappings most often associated with weddings. You can create beautiful, highly symbolic, and alternative weddings which will set the tone for the entire life of your marriage.

During the early stages of your relationship, as your individual life paths began to merge, you probably noticed your values and lifestyle choices became more and more integrated. The wedding day is an opportunity to symbolically join your lives and proclaim to the world those values which brought you together and which will sustain your married life.

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The marriage of Barbara and John was presided over by two ministers, one male and one female. In the Quaker tradition, which was part of Barbara's history, the wedding was simple, with a few readings and long periods of silence. Punctuating the silence were reflections offered by several family and friends for and about the couple.

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To be "alternative" with your own wedding can be difficult, but may also offer a great sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be a means of publicly announcing and confirming your lifestyle values.

For example, if a desire to simply display wealth is not a part of your value system, think about what you do believe in. During your preparation process, ask yourselves the following questions:

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Nigel and Jan were married outdoors, in the Portland International Rose Garden. Jan arrived with her parents, wearing a beautiful, simple dress borrowed from a friend, and Nigel was escorted by their two female witnesses, one of whom carried their rings in a seashell. The setting reflected their common connection with nature, and the quiet beauty of the ceremony spoke clearly of their shared value for simplicity.

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An alternative wedding can, and often does, include various traditional aspects. You may wish to incorporate in the ceremony some prayers, songs, or readings that are familiar to your loved ones, or that have been passed down through your families. These can increase the comfort level of those present so that they can participate more fully in the celebration. Friends and family who are thus helped to feel more at ease may then be more receptive to parts of the ritual that are different or uncommon, those parts that reflect your personal and unique relationship as a couple.

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Mary and Bill grew up in the Roman Catholic tradition, but elected to have an outdoor, non-Catholic wedding because of their strong belief in inclusiveness. Their ceremony closely resembled the Catholic Mass, with readings and shared bread, a format that was familiar to family and friends. However, they chose both male and female co-celebrants, a Catholic nun and a Presbyterian minister. They also included a story told dramatically by a storyteller friend. In acknowledgment of Mary's Catholic Italian heritage, she and Bill included some traditional Italian customs at the reception, which made for a rousing time!

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We chose to honor both our traditional Catholic backgrounds and our growing alternative value base by planning two wedding celebrations. The first was held in the Catholic church we attended while at college in California, and near where much of our family live; the second happened in the midst of a weekend-long celebration at a retreat house outside Portland, Oregon, our current home.

It was more work than we expected, but having two celebrations meant we could satisfy numerous dreams. The first celebration included our families and followed the Catholic tradition, which we adapted based on our own alternative values. The second followed no pre-existing format, and allowed us to include Native American, creation-centered, and other personally meaningful rituals and symbolism. The two geographic locations enabled more family and old friends to come to the first wedding, while a larger number of our local support community could celebrate with us during the second.

How traditional or non-traditional our wedding celebrations were is not important. Rather, the intentionality and purposefulness which we as a couple brought to our wedding celebrations made them unique or alternative. We can then take that intentionality to the remainder of our marriage journey.

 

People-Centeredness

One of the most important values we as a couple chose to affirm in our wedding rituals was our value for relationships. We were celebrating our belief in "people-centeredness" rather than having the material, thing-centered focus that is so common. This was best illustrated in the composition of the "wedding party" at our California ritual, which consisted of far more people than is typical.

The opening procession was led by six flag-bearers waving beautiful, brightly-colored banners; two of them joined us later in the ceremony for a liturgical dance, one led the congregation in a "movement prayer," and another was one of our official witnesses. They were followed by the two principal readers, and four friends who were involved in preparing the table for communion. Then came a married couple who read petitions, a close friend who was the other witness, and the pianist. This long train of supportive friends was completed by the presiding priest and a female homilist (a conscious choice of ours which is uncommon for Catholic weddings).

Rather than having Eileen "given away" by her father, we adapted the tradition to include our immediate families. While a contemporary song that is special to us was being played, Mark's three brothers proceeded down the aisle, followed by Mark arm-in-arm with his two parents. Likewise, Eileen's brothers and their families preceded her and her parents. When we reached the altar, we each joined our family of origin for a common hug, then went to stand by each other. In this way, we symbolically acknowledged the family from which we came, and the new family we were beginning.

Many other friends and family were also involved. Relatives helped by baking bread and contributing the cups and plates used for communion. The altar cloth was the top side of a quilt, sewed together by members of our faith community; the quilt consisted of thirty individually-designed and crafted squares, made by family and friends (some of whom could not attend the wedding in person). Musically-talented friends helped us prepare long before the wedding day, as did the two liturgical dancers. Mark's brother designed and printed the invitation, and helped create the wedding program.

The Oregon celebration gave us an opportunity to include even more people in a conscious way. Members of our faith community were the lay celebrants at the ritual, and numerous friends contributed readings and prayers. In addition, a group of six musicians led the group in singing and chanting.

Our wedding rituals were truly joyous and supportive celebrations, and the primary reason was the involvement of so many important, valued people in our lives. Each ritual ended in a blessing of us by our guests; we felt especially thankful, and we knew that those present would both support us and help keep us accountable to the commitment we were making.

Another way we incorporated our people-centered values into our wedding celebrations was by suggesting that our family and friends consider making a donation in our names to non-profit organizations which we support. In our wedding invitation, we inserted a brief notice that mentioned an organization working to end world hunger and another supporting the people of Nicaragua and gave their addresses. In doing this, we publicly affirmed our desire for peace and justice in the world, and our connection to the global community.

 

Confronting Consumerism

In addition to wedding gifts, there are many other expenses associated with weddings. Because weddings are rightly a celebration of abundant joy, it is inevitable that most weddings, especially if they include a large number of family and friends, involve spending a large amount of money.

While we do not want to discourage the spirit of celebration, couples can make choices regarding the expenses they and their families incur. In this world of great divisions between the materially poor and the materially wealthy, we encourage you to avoid the temptation to become over-indulgent or irresponsibly extravagant.

Many modern trappings may have no particular significance to a couple. Can they be downplayed or let go? Ask yourself if things are taking precedence over people, either in your attitude, in the time given to planning, or in events of the day.

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Michael and Donna were particularly attuned to the reality of world poverty, and wanted their wedding to reflect their sensitivity to those who had so little. As a result, they enlisted the support of their local friends to organize a potluck wedding reception, choosing not to spend a fortune on catering. They also suggested in the wedding invitation that people donate to their Nicaragua sister parish in their names as an alternative to traditional gift-giving. Friends and family donated over $2,000.

 

Personalizing the Ritual

While our entire wedding ritual demonstrated our love for each other and our desire to share our life together, our vows offered a special opportunity to witness our love. We rewrote the traditional vows to reflect our own history and values. We each made a unique personal statement to each other, and completed the vows with a common statement of commitment.

We further personalized our rituals by rewriting the traditional prayers to use inclusive, non-sexist language, wording it to reflect our belief that people should not be referred to as "men" and God as exclusively male. Many churches now offer inclusive language liturgies and music.

Because we had met in a college class on liturgical dance, and had later been involved in a company of liturgical artists, we closed our ceremony with a sacred dance with two friends. We wanted to share with those whom we love our belief that our marriage is a lifelong dance with each other, moving ever closer to the Creator.

Many couples decide to use traditional language and rituals in their wedding ceremony. For many, this may be highly important and meaningful. After spending a great deal of time struggling to personalize their ceremony, one couple realized that the traditional wording, symbols and music really reflected their feelings. For others, going along with cultural, family, and/or church expectations constitutes a lack of choosing. We encourage you to consciously work to make your wedding your own, so it reflects who you are as a couple in the world.

 

The Wedding is a Foundation

A wedding ritually celebrates the union of two people and their families. Therefore, it often highlights issues or conflicts that may be present with either person's family of origin. Whether or not either partner has been married before, or have lived together before marriage, the ritual involves separation - leaving one family and beginning another. Making choices together during the planning of the wedding helps solidify the partnership and eases the transition from the past to the future.

Our wedding celebrations helped cement a secure foundation for our future together. Our actions, our dress, the environment, and the arrangement of all aspects of the celebrations made a statement of who we are as a couple, what we want our shared life to be about, and how we view our friends, family and the world.

Perhaps the most alternative aspect of our marriage was the choosing and proclaiming of the new family name we were taking: Summit. During our preparation for marriage, we discussed at length our dilemma about choosing a name. With our strong Christian feminist values, we valued both the commonality of a single shared family name and the desire not to participate in the patriarchal tradition of a woman taking the man's name. Taking Eileen's family name would have been too reactive, and hyphenating the names felt overly formal and stiff.

Thus, creating a new name was the only option that "fit" us. After making the decision, we opened ourselves to being inspired by the Spirit, and the name "Summit" came to us, a name that has spiritual, natural, and political significance. The homilist in our Catholic ceremony reinforced our choice, making reference to the many times in the Bible that God gave individuals a new name. We, like them, were following the Spirit in beginning a new phase in our journey.

We have been married for nearly three years now, and the memories of our wedding are still fresh and life-giving. Choosing, and then celebrating, an alternative wedding, one that reflected and celebrated our unique partnership, was a highlight in our lives. The unity that was developed during the process of planning, celebrating, and remembering our weddings continues to sustain us through the sometimes mundane and stressful pace of daily living. We are now able to go further in sharing our deepest selves with each other.

We wish you much joy, and hope that your wedding celebration is a meaningful and treasured experience. May it be but one of many wonderful steps of a long road you walk together.

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Eileen and Mark Summit grew up as Eileen Bradley and Mark Honeywell, in San Jose, California and Houston, Texas, respectively. They met at the University of Santa Clara in 1980, and held the first of their two wedding rituals in the campus' Mission Church on June 25, 1989. Both have worked as full-time volunteers in non-profit organizations and both served as staff members for the Jesuit Volunteer Corps, Northwest. They have lived in community with others for the past several years, and currently share a home with another couple. Eileen and Mark are currently working as social workers in Portland, Oregon and Vancouver, Washington and have come to love the beauty of the Great Northwest.

 

Resources

Alternatives. To Celebrate: Reshaping Holidays and Rites of Passage. Ellenwood, GA: Alternatives, 1987.

Arisian, Khoren. The New Wedding: Creating Your Own Marriage Ceremony. New York: Random House (Vintage Books), 1973.

The Beacon Group, eds. Perspectives on Marriage. Chicago: ACTA Publications, 1988.

Blood-Patterson, Peter. Rise Up Singing. Bethlehem, PA: Sing Out Corporation, 1988.

Brill, Mordecai (Jewish), Marlene Halpin (Catholic) and William Genne (Protestant), eds. Write Your Own Wedding. New York: Association Press, 1973.

Burtness, Eric and Paula. The Wedding Handbook. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress, 1989.

Champlin, Joseph M. Together For Life. Notre Dame: Ave Maria Press, 1975.

Emrich, Duncan. The Folklore of Weddings and Marriages. New York: American Heritage Press, 1970.

Hathorn, Raban, William Genne and Mordecai Brill, eds. Marriage: An Interfaith Guide for All Couples. New York: Association Press, 1970.

Hodsdon, Nick. The Joyful Wedding: New Songs and Ideas for Celebrations. Nashville: Abingdon, 1973.

Homburg, Arthur, ed. A New Wedding Service for You: Nineteen Orders of Worship for the Prospective Bride and Groom. Lima, OH: C.S.S. Publishing Co., Inc., 1985.

Ishee, Mark. Wedding Toasts and Traditions: Sample Toasts and the Origins of Customs. Brentwood, TN: J.M. Productions, 1986.

Knight, George W. Wedding Ceremony Idea Book: How to Plan a Unique and Memorable Wedding Ceremony. Brentwood: J.M. Publications, 1984.

Knight, George W. The Second Marriage Guidebook: Dealing with the Unique Factors of the Second Wedding. Brentwood, TN: J.M. Productions, 1984.

Luther, Donald J., ed. Preparing for Marriage: A Guide for Christian Couples. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress Publishers, 1992.

Munro, Eleanor, ed. Wedding Readings. New York: Viking Penguin Books, 1989.

Parrigin, Perry andVan Shaw. Selecting Organ Music for Weddings (cassette tape). (Write to Perrigin and Shaw, Presbyterian Student Center, 100 Hitt St., Columbia, MO 65201.)

Rowe, David Johnson. The Love Library: A Look at Loving Relationships. Self-published. (Available from David Rowe, 606 Harrold Ave., Americus, GA 31709.)

Seligson, Marcia. The Eternal Bliss Machine: America's Way of Wedding. New York: William Morrow and Co., Inc., 1973.

Snow, M. Lawrence. Your Ministry of Planning a Christian Wedding. Nashville: Discipleship Resources, 1988.

Somerville Wall, Wendy. The Creative Wedding Handbook. New York: Paulist Press, 1973.

Thomas, John L. , S.J. Beginning Your Marriage. Chicago: ACTA Publications, 1987.

Urbine, William F. To Trust Again: A Remarriage Preparation Program. Chicago: ACTA Publications, 1990.

(Check your local public library, church library, or bookstores for these and other books.)

Denominational Worship Books:

1992 United Methodist Book of Worship

Christian Worship: A Service Book

Episcopal Book of Common Prayer

Lutheran Book of Worship

Presbyterian Church Directory of Worship

RCA Liturgy and Confessions

Together for Life (Roman Catholic)

UCC Book of Worship

(Check with your local clergyperson for others. These books are usually available from your denominational bookstore or press.)

NOTE: Several denominations have more recent hymnals/books of worship.

Page updated 17 Feb. 2014

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