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Planning an Alternative Wedding

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Planning an Alternative Wedding

Food, Flowers and Festivities

Contents

 

Introduction

by Laurel Kearns

While my spouse and I were in the midst of planning our wedding, I never thought I would be able to say it was worth it. I only wanted it to be over. During that time, so many people told me they felt the same way about their own wedding celebrations. Unfortunately, they said they remembered very little about the whole event - "it was all a blur."

I am glad to say in retrospect I would not offer similar sentiments. Much to my surprise, our wedding turned out to be a truly transcendent and memorable event in our lives. In the midst of all the endless details, discussions, and lists, I had forgotten a wedding should be primarily a joyful, communal sharing of a couple's commitment to each other. It should focus on the couple's willingness to say to each other publicly they will join together to share in life's joys and sorrows. We were fortunate our wedding reminded us of what it was really about, but not without a lot of help from friends and the accumulated wisdom of my local Quaker meeting.

Along with other "experts" in the field, I'd like to share some of the ideas that worked and some things to think about that may help the whole process be less of an ordeal. We may overlook some crucial aspects with regard to your particular plans, but hopefully the bits and pieces we've selected to talk about will stimulate plenty of creative thinking on your part. We'll start with general thoughts, and then we'll look at specific issues related to the wedding ceremony and reception.

If you are considering an alternative wedding celebration, you have probably thought long and hard about your feelings toward traditional weddings. Knowing what you do not like and want and why you don't will help you immensely. However, don't underestimate the investment of others around you in that vision of a traditional wedding.

 

Cultural Pressures

by Laurel Kearns

As a culture, we are sold (and I use the word "sold" deliberately) a vision that is reinforced constantly. As you begin planning your wedding, you will find an incredible "wedding industry" that is invested in promoting weddings with lots of frills. According to a 1991 Forbes magazine report, people in the U.S. spent over $32 billion on weddings in 1990, double the amount spent a decade earlier. The average cost of a wedding in 1990 was $19,000.

At every turn, you will encounter individuals who want you to buy fancy wedding clothing, and others who will encourage you to spend too much money on invitations, flowers, food, setting, and many other items. I was amazed at the constant pressure to spend money.

Don't let your wedding become analogous to Christmas when the pressure to spend to make others "happy" often makes you miserable. You may have to work hard to find services that will accommodate your different vision, but remember, ultimately, you are the "buyer." You don't need to buy into the vision of our consumer society. Better yet, you don't even have to buy at all, but can seek out alternative ways to celebrate.

In light of the incredible consumer pressure surrounding weddings, the best advice is to keep it simple. Set a budget early on in your planning and stick to it. If you happen to go over budget on one item, cut that amount from another item. Remember, rarely do the frills add to the most important aspect - the emotions and feeling of the event.

 

Pressures from Families, Friends, and Service Providers

You may not need the warning that often families and friends have an "investment" in that traditional wedding as well. While it is your wedding, it is also theirs in many aspects. Families often see weddings as status events where they show others how much they "love" their child; or they repay friends and business associates; or they show the larger family and community what kind of an event they can put on. While this may all sound crass, you should be aware of the many undercurrents going on that can create family pressures for a certain kind of event. Family members often make up for their own weddings through those of their children or siblings, or they try to replicate nostalgic memories of their own wedding. Friends may be expecting to be part of the wedding party and will be disappointed if you opt not to have one.

Though it may lead to difficult conversations, talk to family members and close friends at length about their expectations, desires and hopes; find out why certain things are important to them. You will benefit from knowing before the fact who is likely to have ruffled feathers and why. Some things may not be worth the price of offending a close friend or family member. At the same time, be clear that this is your wedding and you won't necessarily be following all of their wishes. If you get people's feelings out in the open early, you may avoid blow-ups closer to the event; you will also be able to make decisions with fuller knowledge.

Think through everything traditionally expected at wedding ceremonies and receptions - toasts, bouquets, the first dance, etc. Decide which aspects you want to incorporate into your wedding celebration and which ones you do not. Once you decide on wedding details, be clear with families and service providers what you plan to do. Often, the service people you hire will assume you are like everyone else, and they are there to help you have a wedding like everyone else. If you don't take time to think it all through, at the last moment someone will be expecting you to do something you hadn't planned on. In our case, we didn't want to cut the cake and feed it to each other, yet forgot to let others know. Thankfully, a friend's child appeared asking for the first piece of cake, and saved us from expectations we hadn't even thought to deal with.

At the same time, don't get so lost in details that you lose sight of the larger event. Few people will notice if everything is not perfect, nor will they ever know the things you forgot. However, worrying over every detail will ruin the event for you.

Delegate Responsibilities

Most important, delegate responsibilities. Form a committee of friends, family and community members who are most locally available to the wedding site. Let them take over planning, investigating and carrying out tasks. The less you and your close family members worry about, the more all of you will be able to enjoy the event. Most people are more than willing to help because they don't want to see you so frantic and exhausted from planning that you don't enjoy your wedding day. Have the committee take charge of details on the day of the wedding, especially; you shouldn't plan to coordinate anything on the wedding day.

By delegating responsibilities, you should have time to take care of yourself. Get a massage the morning of the wedding; it will do wonders with all the accumulated tension. Take a quiet walk or a hot bath. Spend some time before the event quietly reflecting or meditating. Have breakfast with a couple of special people who will help you remain focused.

Finally, keep in mind weddings are joyful, collective events and much of that happens spontaneously. Don't make it into a performance or a carefully orchestrated party. At the same time, do plan enough to allow the joyfulness to come through.

One of our first decisions was that we did not want flowers. One of the women on the staff where I worked was known for her banner-making. We approached her with our growing concept of what our wedding would be and asked her if she would make a banner for us. The banner was beside the altar and a focal point for the ceremony.

Alice Ann Glenn
Monterey, California

Harsh words, tension-filled moments and decisions that were seen as selfish all stood in the way of our wedding being a grace-filled moment. In order not to make a mockery of the love we were about to celebrate, we decided to have a service of reconciliation. Family and wedding party were invited to the church for rehearsal. After the traditional practice, we invited everyone to take part in a short prayer time focusing on the theme of reconciliation. We prayed a common prayer asking for forgiveness and spoke a greeting of peace to each other. Finally, we joined hands and prayed together the Lord's prayer. This experience was a necessary and prayerful part of our marriage.

Nancy Parker Clancy
Troy, Michigan

We had heard horror stories about flowers for weddings costing thousands of dollars. . . . What we did was both fun and practical. Before the wedding rehearsal and dinner, we loaded visiting friends and relatives into cars and went to the DeKalb Farmer's Market. Here each person chose a bundle of fresh flowers that attracted them. . . . Back at the meeting house, we turned the kitchen into a florist's room (or nightmare). We had gathered many containers from home and friends, and we all worked together to make arrangements, corsages and the wedding bouquet. I can't think of a better way for strangers to become acquainted than working collaboratively creating beauty. Not only did people who had never met before or hadn't seen one another for many years become friends, but we all enjoyed an entertaining afternoon.

Ann Bryn Houghton and Vince Edward Brown
Atlanta, Georgia

After their wedding, a Thai couple chooses an older couple who has had a long and good marriage. The older couple goes to the bridal couple's marriage bed which has been made with fresh sheets and strewn with flowers. Lying on the bed, the older couple dreams about their marriage and what they see in store for the bridal couple. The bridal couple then stands by the bed while the older couple tells them of their dreams and offers advice for a long-lasting, happy marriage.

 

Planning Pre-Wedding Gatherings

by Heidi Roy

Historically, the engagement was the time when couples prepared for marriage (not just the wedding). Time was spent getting to know each others' families, gathering needed household goods, and being advised about marriage from others. Often, couples today spend their engagement time planning for an elaborate wedding ceremony and reception. They don't take time to discuss priorities, goals, and the shape they expect their lives to take. And too often, their pre-wedding parties focus on getting gifts rather than on celebrating with family and friends.

Gatherings and activities before the wedding day can encourage growth and can offer a sense of community support. Plan activities to foster family interaction. You might plan a simple party where close family, relatives, and friends of both partners share stories about the two of you and offer their best wishes.

Instead of having a traditional bridal shower, some couples are choosing to invite both men and women. And gifts don't have to be expensive, especially if you already have most everything you need. Guests can bring homemade gifts, for example, homemade preserves with recipe attached, or they might offer an invitation for a special meal at a later date. (See section on gifts for more ideas.)

Some couples choose a meaningful theme (i.e. - a favorite book or season) and plan a party around it. Others incorporate family traditions or ethnic customs into special gatherings. Still others rethink the customary rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, opting for simpler celebrations including a picnic or hayride. One couple held a wine-tasting party to choose the wine for their reception.

At a dinner held prior to a wedding ceremony, some Jewish couples and their families dine on bread and honey. The bread stands for the sustenance of life, and honey its sweetness.

Instead of bachelors' and bridesmaids' parties the night before, we gathered with family and close friends for a potluck dinner and opening of wedding gifts at the home of my aunt.

Michael Knowles
Washington, DC

 

The informality of our wedding meant that we didn't need a rehearsal the evening before. Instead we had a softball game - the Shenk family and friends played the Schrock family and friends. The game was followed by cake and homemade ice-cream.

Carolyn Schrock-Shenk
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

At a pre-wedding party, a Dutch bride and groom sit on thrones under a canopy of evergreens. (The evergreens symbolize the couple's everlasting love.) Guests come up to offer their good wishes.

Location/Setting

by Laurel Kearns

People celebrate weddings everywhere from a cathedral to a park, from a great hall to a barnyard. The money you spend on a location is not what makes your wedding special. Talk about what is important to you. Is it important to both of you that your marriage take place in a synagogue or church? Is there a place that holds special meaning to the two of you? What kind of setting would best serve the needs of your ceremony? If your church plays a large role in your lives, then your church might be appropriate. If you share a common interest in the outdoors, perhaps a local park or garden would be fitting. If your wedding reception will include a square dance, you might consider a park or, yes, even a barnyard.

Often the location of the ceremony is closely related to the location of the reception. You may want to use the same location; it may simplify matters. However, places often have restrictions on dancing, music, alcohol, hours, children, etc. Decide which of these are really important and make sure you ask a lot of questions. For instance, do they dictate your choice of food providers? If you decide not to go the usual catered route this could be a major issue. You should probably avoid locations connected with food, such as a restaurant or hotel banquet room, since they have such a large investment in your food choices.

Many people are attracted to outdoor wedding locations. If you are thinking of an outdoor setting, make sure you consider the many factors that are out of your control. Too much heat, humidity, wind, sun, rain, cold can make you and your guests uncomfortable or miserable. Don't expect the weather to be "normal" the day of your celebration. I have been to outdoor weddings in record-breaking humidity in normally dry Southern California; and there were winter chills at a wedding I attended in late April. Our wedding day fell on the coldest day of the year - in mid-February after four weeks of typically mild southern winter weather. Furthermore, at many outdoor weddings guests can't see or hear well. Also, bugs and noise can be terribly distracting.

Even though I speak discouragingly of outdoor weddings, many have worked well. Gatherings at state parks or area farms and inns, where people have the option to stay, and where multiple events can be planned - such as volleyball, hikes, picnics - often work well. If you really want an outdoor setting, check the place out thoroughly with the above considerations in mind. In addition, think about restroom facilities and seating, especially for older people.

Don't choose a location for its beauty alone. Consider the need to move indoors, or find an indoor setting with a nice view - large windows, a garden, etc. - and incorporate those views in some way.

We wanted to help my daughter make every aspect of her wedding significant. She began by choosing to have the wedding in the place where she had grown up rather than the place where she or the family was currently living. The date of the wedding coincided with local fiestas and Pueblo Indian dances. Following the wedding a supper party and dance were held at our little adobe house. After the festivities were over many of the guests camped out in the beautiful field by the river.

Virginia McConnell
Boulder, Colorado

Our wedding was very simple and celebrative. It was held in a local park with the guests on blankets and lawn chairs.

Carolyn Schrock-Shenk
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Our wedding was held outdoors in my parents' backyard where guests sat in a circle (symbolically surrounding us with their love and support) on hay bales which we rented for the day from a neighbor's farm.

Margaret Yackel-Juleen
Dundee, Minnesota

 

Invitations

by Laurel Kearns

Bridal magazines, professional printers, and consumer pressures lead you to believe engraved invitations are a necessity. However, gold-embossed invitations, with tissue paper and numerous envelopes, can be both expensive and environmentally unsound.

Alternatives do exist. Consider making your own invitations. You can hand-write or type invitations, including relevant information. To add a more personal touch, include a poem or short essay that expresses your feelings about marriage. You might also consider drawing a picture or asking an artistic friend to create something for the invitation. You can have the invitations photocopied or "quick-printed" at a local print shop. Show your concern for the earth by using recycled paper, if possible.

If your wedding will include your church's congregation, you may be able to announce it in the church bulletin. If your wedding celebration will be small, you can offer invitations by word of mouth. One couple divided their guest list among family and friends who then extended personal invitations to others by phone. This approach fostered a friendlier wedding as the phone conversations paved the way for several new friendships.

Invitations usually deal with both the ceremony and the reception. Invitations are also the one chance you have to communicate a variety of related information. Be specific about details so people can plan accordingly. For instance, if you plan a long ceremony and/or a reception with dancing, let people know. Many people assume that a wedding celebration will be comprised of a twenty-minute ceremony and an hour-long reception. You may also want to include information on lodging if you have arranged special rates for out-of-town guests. Consider including directions on how to get from the airport to the ceremony, and how to get from the ceremony to the reception, if relevant. If you plan a potluck reception dinner, you may want to suggest to local people the types of dishes to bring and where to bring them. (See the section on food for more on this topic.)

You may also wish to deal with the issue of gifts. For many of our local friends who knew us better than out-of-town relatives, we included a little card that suggested giving to an organization of their choice that represented both the giver and us, the couple. We enjoyed receiving notes explaining people's choices of organizations. Their choices revealed something about them and their perception of us. (See the section on gifts for more ideas.)

If you plan to invite children to the wedding ceremony and/or reception, consider offering childcare. Let guests know by including information in the invitation or on a separate card you slip into the appropriate envelopes. Make sure you ask people to notify you beforehand if they will be bringing children, how many, their ages, and to which events so you can make sure you have enough sitters.

Consider three other issues. First, you might want to indicate whether you will or will not change your name in any way to avoid any presumptions. Second, if you wish to include one or both sets of parents on the invitations, consider using parents' first names. By doing this, guests can become familiar with their names in advance. Finally, some form of R.S.V.P. is really essential in planning a reception.

You may find a variety of inserts for different people works best. I made up a number of inserts, not through a printer, but by using the italic mode on my computer and a laser printer. I then made copies of each insert on heavy ivory cardstock. You may also want to have an invitation "party" so friends can help coordinate it all.

 

INVITATION INSERT SAMPLE

Anne Sensenig and Daniel Erdman

1. Should we go through with the wedding?

___ yes ___ no ___maybe ___ later

2. If we do, can you come? ___ yes ___no

3. If you can, how many of you will there be? ____

4. If weather permits, would you be interested in volleyball? (Bring comfortable attire, just in case.) Croquet?

___ yes ___no

R.S.V.P. (Respondez, s'il vous plait) by May 16. Thanks.

We plan to have the wedding outside, so attire can be "semi-formal." A light lunch will be provided.

Bob and I made the wedding invitations ourselves and had them reproduced by offset on stationery I got on sale.

Mary Margaret Velasquez Bertram
Palmyra, Michigan

 

Prior to our traditional Indian ceremony, my family bought and mailed invitations to family and friends who lived far away. Some relatives came four days early to help with the preparation and hand-delivered the rest of the invitations and gave oral invitations to these guests. Yatin's family bought and mailed invitations to his relatives and friends.

Alka Y. Patel
Jonesboro, Georgia

I was reluctant to use the printed wedding invitation as the vehicle to head off crystal and china. Nonetheless, I realized I would be comfortable telling friends of my generation about our preference. Dividing up the guest list, Michael and I mentioned to our friends that we would like it very much if they would honor our marriage with a gift to the American Friends Service Committee, a Quaker service organization. My parents' friends were harder. I asked my aunts to meet me for lunch and explained Michael's and my feelings. To my surprise, one aunt defended my proposal to the other by saying, "If nobody ever dares to do anything differently, then there can never be a change for the better." They decided they would write notes to the forty or so guests with whom they were acquainted just after the invitations went out. I asked that gifts in our honor be sent to the Highlander Center for community organizing and folklore preservation in Tennessee and gave them the address.

Bess Keller
Baltimore, Maryland

 

Flowers and Decorations

by Heidi Roy

When deciding on decorations for the ceremony and reception, carefully consider the mood you want to create. If you choose to have flowers, think about collecting them from the gardens of friends and families or pick wildflowers from a nearby field. You might also make arrangements from silk flowers that can then be used for other occasions or everyday. My sister recently used silk flowers to make table arrangements and bouquets for a friend's wedding. The couple sent many of the arrangements home with different relatives and friends. Couples can also donate flowers to a local hospital or nursing home. Like silk flowers, flowering or green potted plants also last long after the celebration is over.

In place of flowers, some couples create a festive atmosphere with colorful balloons and banners that hold special meaning. Still others prefer the simple, reverent mood of candles.

If you are planning an outdoor wedding, the natural beauty of the setting might be all you need. I was married on the third green of the golf course where my husband works. The area is surrounded by tall pines and is next to a small lake. The beauty of creation was all we needed to set the right mood.

Whatever you decide, just remember you don't have to spend a lot to create a celebratory atmosphere. Use your imagination!

We asked guests to bring a garden flower to attach to our wedding canopy to symbolize their participation in a communal blessing on our union.

Margaret Yackel-Juleen
Dundee, Minnesota

The morning of the wedding, we went out to the (Vietnam) countryside on our old Lambretta scooter and cut sprays of the most fragrant frangipani.

Earl Martin
Akron, Pennsylvania

In place of a flower bouquet, Native American brides sometimes honor their heritage by carrying brightly colored dried corn with husks attached.

Our friends made paper cranes and hung them as mobiles on each side of the stage.

Janie Howell
Ellenwood, Georgia

We asked people to bring a candle and holder (labeled with their name and phone number) from their home as symbolic of their role in bringing light and warmth to our relationship.

Laurel Kearns
Atlanta, Georgia

 

When planning our vow renewal, our responsibilities as far as flowers and decor were minimal since the church would be brimming with wreaths and poinsettias. We ended up borrowing a single candelabra from my grandmother. . . . On the gift table we had a small Christmas tree. . . . The ornaments were family photographs from the past ten Christmases. In another corner, we had a bulletin board displaying photos, ads and news items of what was going on in the world at the time we got married.

Michelle DeLoach Harper
Forest Park, Georgia

 

Clothing

by Laurel Kearns

Couples spend much energy deciding what to wear to the wedding. There seem to be two lines of thinking. Most people believe that because a wedding is a special event out-of-the-ordinary clothing is called for. As one friend explained her choice of a lacy gown, "it is your one moment to look special." It was important to her to look out-of-the-ordinary beautiful. A relative once explained to me that men wear suits all the time, therefore, tuxedos were called for.

Others believe the most important thing is not how you look but your commitment to each other so it is important to feel like yourself in whatever you wear. When planning our wedding, I was determined not to wear an elaborate dress because it wasn't me.

Purchasing special wedding attire was not always popular. Until the mid-nineteenth century, even the wealthy considered it an extravagance to buy a garment for only one day's use. If you choose not to spend a great deal of money on outfits that are worn only once, there are many alternatives. Some women choose to wear a handmade dress or wear their mother's wedding dress. Men need not rent tuxedos, but can wear suits or even simpler attire. Others choose to make a personal statement about their lifestyle by wearing casual clothing that can be worn for other occasions. Still others prefer ethnic costumes to express their cultural background or that of other people they feel a special connection with.

Most importantly, when choosing wedding attire, remember that you are not going to a fashion show. Taking part in this special ceremony to acknowledge your partnership is more important than any clothes you wear. Make sure you are comfortable and you can move easily to perform the different parts of the ceremony.

The same is true for any attendants you might have. Dresses don't necessarily have to match, nor does men's clothing.

I wore my mother's pale blue wedding dress, which had been modified so the lace from my mother-in-law's dress was inset over the sleeve material. There was also a detachable lace overskirt made from my mother-in-law's dress. I wore the lace skirt over a plain colored skirt for a gathering we had after the honeymoon. . . . I carried my mother's wedding Bible, inside which was her mother's wedding handkerchief.

Alice Ann Glenn
Monterey, California

Pat was stunning in her traditional Vietnamese ao dai wedding dress, a white floor-length skirt split to the waist with silky pantaloons. I borrowed a suit from Pat's brother who also worked as a volunteer in Vietnam.

Earl Martin
Akron, Pennsylvania

An Austrian bride often weaves myrtle, the flower of life, into her veil or headpiece.

Rings

by Heidi Roy

Rings were originally thought to have been made of braided grass. Then later, they were fashioned from metal. The custom of giving a ring may have evolved from a time when a groom made a downpayment on the marriage agreement by giving land, livestock or other valuables to the bride's family. When in the 13th century Pope Innocent III declared that a waiting period be observed between betrothal and marriage, it became customary to wear an engagement ring. The tradition of a diamond engagement ring began in 1477 when Maximillian of Austria gave a diamond to Mary of Burgundy to celebrate their impending wedding.

While in the past many people observed a single ring ceremony (one in which only the bride receives a ring), the double ring ceremony (where both partners receive a ring) is becoming quite popular. And the rings don't have to be made of gold and diamonds either. Some couples exchange family rings or have a jeweler design a wedding ring using a gemstone from another family heirloom. Others find beautiful rings in antique stores or have a local craftsperson design a one-of-a-kind ring that incorporates meaningful symbols.

You don't have to exchange rings at all, if you choose not to. Depending on your preference, you might choose another symbol that holds special meaning, say, a special locket or pendant; Or you can use the money you save to support a worthwhile cause.

I gave my husband my grandfather's wedding band. He gave me his mother's 1920s engagement diamond. My wedding band is the one my dad gave my mother.

Alice Ann Glenn
Monterey, California

In Ireland, Clauddagh rings are often exchanged. These traditional wedding bands are formed by two hands clasping a crowned heart and symbolize both love and friendship.

I did not want an engagement ring. (I don't care for jewelry.) This upset a lot of my friends and acquaintances, but gave me an opportunity to discuss the real meaning of betrothal.

Virginia Anton
Southbury, Connecticut

Food

by Julia Cade

When we conduct our marriage ceremony in the presence of others, we are creating a community of witnesses for this special occasion. You can extend the celebration and bind the wedding community by providing food after the ceremony.

Since food is something present with us everyday, the wedding planners may assume the matter of food will be very easy. This can be a big mistake because the food at a wedding celebration can be a production unto itself. For this reason, you should place special and concerted attention on the planning, preparation, and presentation of the wedding food - whether it is a simple meal or a feast.

Hiring a caterer is a standard way of addressing the food issue - but this route is costly and somewhat impersonal. You have several other options. You can ask a friend who is talented in food preparation to be the coordinator. This friend's labor and concentrated effort on planning and obtaining the food can be their wedding present to you. (The couple pays for the cost of food, but not for a caterer.) As a second option, you can ask a committee of friends (anywhere from six to a dozen) to plan, prepare and contribute the food for the occasion. As yet another option, you can notify the guests that a potluck dinner follows and ask everyone to bring a dish. Other options may occur to you depending on what people resources are available.

Whatever option you choose, remember the food should add to the celebration, not detract from it. If you decide to ask a friend or friends to take care of the food (or if you will coordinate the food), consider the time it will take to prepare and clean up. You don't have to follow the status quo and serve an elaborate, costly and time-consuming meal. Simple, yet beautiful food can be quite meaningful and appropriate.

The food itself can be light fare as in a simple reception of finger food and beverages. Or, a talented friend can concoct and/or acquire a variety of dishes for a stand-up light meal. You can also have a simple sit-down dinner served buffet-style.

Several factors determine which is the best option to pursue. First, consider your budget. Even if you plan a potluck dinner or a committee of friends prepares the meal, there will be some costs involved for plates, utensils, glasses, beverages, tablecloths, etc. You can either borrow items needed or rent them. Consider using non-disposables in respect for the environment.

Choose a menu so both vegetarians and meat-eaters will be satisfied. The best menu, of course, is one where neither group even notices whether meat was or was not present. Some couples choose to include food that represents their ethnic backgrounds. Also, consider the social implications of food choices: Where did the food come from? Were pesticides used in its production? Is the food being boycotted for some reason?

Successful menus include foods people can prepare the day before (as opposed to on the spot). As you plan your menu, also consider the availability of refrigerators or stoves for chilling or heating any foods. Foods you can serve at room temperature or those which can be kept cool or warm easily are also more convenient.

The quantity of food you provide is also important. There should be a sense of celebration and lavishness as opposed to depletion and skimpiness. When planning food arrangements, make sure you neither over- nor under-buy. Try to figure how many people will attend the event. Some couples do this by requesting that guests return a response card. From your attendance number, you should figure everyone will have more than one of everything, including plates, forks, glasses, napkins, beverages, and food items. This can get tricky. Some people will have two helpings of something, while others will have four. Some might have only one or none, so figure on averages. I recommend you figure on 2.5 servings per person. In that way, you can accommodate both ends of the spectrum.

For a successful committee-prepared buffet for 50, six people can each make a festive salad of their choice that feeds 20 people (for a total of 120 servings, roughly 2.5 salad servings per person). You can then purchase two large smoked turkeys. Finally, six other people can each make a cake using the same recipe (for a total of 60 servings, 10 servings per cake).

You can plan a potluck menu somewhat by suggesting types of dishes according to the alphabetical placement of each guest's last name. For example, A-G, entrees; H-N, salads; O-Z, desserts. You might want to let guests know you have simple recipes on hand that are available at the guest's request.

Finally, take some time to think through food presentation. By using tablecloths, candles, flowers, baskets, and other items in presenting the food, you can really add to the atmosphere of celebration. Consider borrowing items from friends or purchase items which can be used again.

Our reception was a picnic - sandwiches, fresh fruit, and sweet rolls that had been baked by friends.

Carolyn Schrock-Shenk
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Instead of going through advertised caterers, ask around for smaller scale operations. By asking at a local natural food take-out and deli, I found a wonderful woman who was sensitive to my desires to have predominantly vegetarian food and to have lowered-sugar sweets. She was willing to cater appetizers, a few main dinner dishes, the cake, rental plates, etc., and to coordinate the serving of dishes brought by friends.

Laurel Kearns
Atlanta, Georgia

My mother-in-law has a talent for food preparation and presentation. So her offer to put together a simple finger food reception was welcome. Without an extravagant sit-down dinner and headcount to worry with, we felt somewhat freer to expand our guest list.

Michelle DeLoach Harper
Forest Park, Georgia

Family members contributed food for the dinner - sort of a potluck with only family members making food. For example, my grandmother made all the tortillas by making them a few at a time and freezing them until the wedding day.

Mary Margaret Valesquez Bertram
Palmyra, Michigan

Since not everyone who attended the wedding came to our picnic reception, we had too much food. The caterer delivered the excess to a local soup kitchen.

Virginia Anton
Southbury, Connecticut

In Poland, a gift of salted bread and sweet wine is often presented to the couple. This meal symbolizes the bitter and sweet in life. Similarly, Lithuanian couples are served wine, salt, and bread. The wine symbolizes joy, the salt stands for tears and the bread for work.

In Bermuda, the wedding cake is sometimes topped with a tiny cedar tree. After the wedding day, the couple plants the tree and watches it grow along with their love.

Traditional love-knot cookies are served at some Italian weddings.

In Jamaica, slices of wedding fruitcake are mailed to all friends and relatives that were unable to attend the reception.

 

Entertainment

by Heidi Roy

In addition to food, entertainment is often a key element of a wedding reception. Many couples choose to have music, such as a pianist, harpist, a band, or a disc jockey. You can usually get names of amateur D.J.s or bands from your chamber of commerce, local colleges and civic groups. You can also get names from other couples who have recently been married. When deciding on music, try to offer selections for all age groups. Also consider including some ethnic music and dances that are family traditions or customs of other people around the world. One couple hired a square dance caller to lead the dancing at their simple, outdoor wedding.

Many forms of entertainment cost little or no money. Like some other couples, you might encourage guests to play volleyball, croquet or go on a nature hike. You can also design a game that encourages friends and family to share stories and memories. Your options are unlimited.

The children presented a romantic play, "The Owl and the Pussycat" and had fun swinging at a homemade pinata.

Virginia McConnell
Boulder, Colorado

Our reception included several songs we helped to sing - "It's So Bad for Me" by Cole Porter and "Will You Still Need Me (When I'm 64)?" by the Beatles. Also friends were invited to share poetry, stories or whatever.

Daniel Erdman and Anne Sensenig
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

After a lively square dance, we held hands and formed a large circle, thankful for that day, for each other, and for everyone there.

Andre Gingerich Stoner
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

 

Photography

by David Pascale

When it comes to wedding pictures, you should strike a balance somewhere between the sacred and the profane. On the one hand your marriage, and especially the ceremony itself, is one of the most memorable and sacred events that will take place in your lifetime. When it comes time for two people to look at each other squarely and exchange vows which commit themselves to each other in relationship for a very long time, there is a particularly deep and powerful quality to the event. Even as a working observer looking for the right angle or anticipating the next shot, I have often been quite affected by the power of the ritual. From my experience I don't believe you want to compromise this part. On the other hand, you probably do want some way of recording the event so that you can look back at it later and be reminded of what took place and of the people who came to share it with you.

Whether you use a professional photographer or not, I recommend you avoid two approaches. The first is the "tourist on vacation" syndrome. This happens when people are so busy posing for or taking pictures to look at later that they forget to be there in the first place. They relive what happened in a second-hand fashion. Your wedding will be more memorable not because of a carefully composed photograph, but from having experienced it as fully as possible, moment to moment. Let your focus be direct involvement in getting married rather than recording the event. You'll also have more fun.

Also avoid the "Hollywood extravaganza" syndrome. If you have a photographer, an assistant as well as a video team, it tends to create a circus atmosphere. A friend of mine once photographed a wedding where the family employed some other people to do a video as well. She said you could hear one of the men from the back of the church giving directions over his intercom to the cameraman up front. Even if done quietly, there is still the sense of a major studio production.

As far as wedding pictures are concerned there are a number of ways to go with varying degrees of impact on the tone and character of your wedding (not to mention your pocketbook). Consider the following:

1.) Find a friend to take pictures. You'll want to ask someone who considers herself/himself at least a serious amateur photographer, not just someone with a 35 mm camera. That friend must also be willing to give up a good part of his/her time to take pictures. It is a lot to ask of a friend since not only is s/he working but it also cuts down on the time s/he has to socialize. This route often helps to keep things on a more simple and intimate level.

2.) Ask a few designated friends to take snapshots. You can then collect the film and take it to the local drugstore for double prints, having enlargements made later.

3.) Hire a professional. Most people go this route and it has distinct advantages: consistent quality, thorough coverage, experience, and the ease of just having someone else take care of it. Remember though, professional photographs don't come cheaply. Expect to pay anywhere from $400 to $1,500 depending on the album/package you select.

To find a professional you will be happy with, ask for recommendations from people you know who have had weddings and take a look at their pictures. Question them particularly about the attitude and approach of the photographer, about how well the photographer listened to what they wanted and respected their wishes.

4.) Another option is to hire a professional to shoot the wedding in the style you prefer and then have him/her give you the film at the end of the day. The pro gets a flat fee of $200 to $400 plus film costs. You get the film developed and have prints made as you see fit. Most pros do not like to do this since they make more money selling you albums and prints.

That brings us to the question: What do you really want to end up with? There is such a variety of albums and packages available in all kinds of sizes and with all kinds of add-ons and extras. Couples often get caught up in the spending frenzy associated with weddings and order some costly and unnecessary things. Take time to think about it beforehand when heads are cool.

Consider if you want a big album at all. Along with your shirts and socks, they usually end up in closets and drawers. Maybe an album of 4x5s would be better with a couple of larger prints to hang on the wall. Or instead of a fancy album, you might want to put your own together, a more down-home version. Also consider whether or not both sets of parents need albums as well or if a few select photos would serve just fine.

Just remember that the choice is yours. Wedding photography is a business and professionals will try to sell you. Ask yourself: "Ten years down the road what will we need, in terms of photography, to remember our wedding day?"

We didn't want to waste our time posing when we could be visiting, so our brothers took some candid shots. Since they only took pictures of people they knew, we realize that we should have made a special effort to make sure we got pictures of everyone.

Virginia Anton
Southbury, Connecticut

At the guest book was a note asking our friends and family to step to an area where we had a video camera set up to record messages and memories that we will enjoy viewing in the years to come.

Michelle DeLoach Harper
Forest Park, Georgia

One couple made several disposable cameras available to guests. Guests were asked to take pictures during the reception, leaving the film for the couple to develop. (With concern for the environment and its resources, you may instead ask that people bring cameras from home.)

I recently attended a marriage ceremony for a French groom and U.S.A. bride. It was a wonderful blend of French and U.S.A. custom. One of the French traditions impressed me: Immediately following the ceremony, everyone assembled outside the church for a group picture with bride, groom, parents, attendants, and families.

Deanna L. Shimko-Herman
Waterford, Wisconsin

 

Gifts

by Alexander Jacobs

Let us pray for all the families throughout the world.

Gracious Father, you bless the family and renew your people. Enrich husbands and wives, parents and children more and more with your grace, that, strengthening and supporting each other, they may serve those in need and be a sign of the fulfillment of your perfect kingdom, where, with your Son Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, you live and reign, one God through all the ages of ages. Amen.

Lutheran Book of Worship, p. 204

The above prayer is all too frequently not requested by a marrying couple. Its focus is clearly not on the couple, but on the larger world into which the two are now launching out as wife and husband. The prayer presumes that a wedding celebration is representative of our understanding of stewardship and justice (Amos 5:21-24), as are all of our church celebrations. The prayer describes marriage and family life as a "sign" to others and the world of what the kingdom of God will be like.

It is significant that Jesus' first "sign" was performed at a wedding at Cana in Galilee (John 2:1-11). Jesus provided the celebrants not with what they wanted, but with what they needed. The "sign" not only met needs, it engendered faith and worship. Our own celebrations and gift-giving will, whether we intend them or not, express our understanding of justice and stewardship.

Recently one of our neighbors offered to donate five electric frying pans to our loan closet for international students. I was grateful, but had to ask, "Why five?" Her answer: "Because that's how many I have. Actually I did have seven; I'm keeping one and I gave one away." She and her husband have been married for ten years and these frying pans were wedding gifts they had been storing in their attic.

Each year, people in the United States spend $200 million on wedding gifts. We need to rethink the way we go about giving gifts! It used to be that when a couple got married, gifts were essential to their life together as a family and were visible support from the community that surrounded them. In many places and circumstances, this is still the case. If the couple really needs material items, it is appropriate to give gifts that respect others and the earth. Consider gifts that are both useful and beautiful. Give gifts made by local or Third-World craftspeople, or make a gift yourself.

On the other hand, because of the relative affluence of many in our society there is often no real need to shower the bride and groom with frying pans and toasters. There are an increasing number of first and second marriages where the couple is already established. When I was married for the second time, my wife and I had all we needed between the two of us to set up house and live comfortably.

In this situation, we can be both good stewards and appropriate gift-givers at the same time. When the son of a very wealthy friend was married in Los Angeles, we gave a gift to the Sanctuary Movement. When my soon-to-be-M.D. niece was married we gave a gift to Children's Hospital. And we gave a gift to Habitat for Humanity for my realtor cousin's wedding. Most everyone who has received a gift to a worthy cause in their honor has been both pleased and gratified.

The initiative for alternative gift-giving lies not only with the giver. When planning their wedding, a couple can express their faith by suggesting useful gifts they need or recipients of gifts of money or other items, and can include this with the invitation. When counseling for marriage, clergy should include appropriate gift-giving as a portion of the planning. We can no longer just go along with the consumerism of our culture as if there are no alternatives.

Criteria for wedding gifts go far beyond "etiquette." They signify whether the pattern of our life-together will be one of "getting" or one of "sharing." A wedding is a perfect moment to express our interconnection with the larger web of life and love that we call Creation.

When women in my home church of Aztec, New Mexico said they wanted to give me a shower, I was apprehensive . . . imagining all sorts of electric frying pans, electric can openers, electric blankets, etc. So I wrote . . . expressing my concern about exploitation of natural resources and [saying] I would prefer it if items which were used but still good could be given as gifts - as a form of recycling. I also included a list of items we needed, such as wooden clothes-drying racks, garden tools, trash cans. We didn't receive anything that was useless or wasteful, but we did receive practically everything on the list. The most wonderful part was that nearly everything was stuff people had had tucked away in closets for years and no longer used, or the gifts were handmade by the women.

Anne Doerfert McGoey
Taos, New Mexico

We sent out a wedding announcement that read: "Your presence with us is the greatest gift you can give us. WE REQUEST NO GIFTS. We have combined two well-established homes and we have need of nothing. If you feel you would like to share with us, please make a donation to a people-serving organization and tell us about it." And we suggested some groups they might give to. Many folks gave money to places we suggested, including a scholarship fund in my dad's name . . . And as we celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary, we got good news from my alma mater that enough money had accrued in the scholarship fund that the first one would be given this year!

Alice Ann Glenn
Monterey, California

 

Instead of gifts, we asked our guests to bring a favorite dish to share at our potluck reception. And we asked them to bring some time. Our mothers told stories of our earlier years; we played games and sang more songs. Friends made a calendar and for each month someone committed themselves to send us a favorite tape or book, to take us out to eat, or some other treat. Folks wrote messages which we took along and read on our honeymoon at the shore.

Andre Gingerlich Stoner
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

 

We chose to keep the objects that were given to us, but to give away the money.

Kathie Klein
Atlanta, Georgia

As table decorations we bought several variegated plants which doubled as gifts for members of the wedding party.

Paula Meador Testerman
Wake Forest, North Carolina

In Italy, the groom often gives the bride a doll as a wedding keepsake.

 

Other

There are a number of other issues you may want to discuss. The following is a partial list:

Finally, remember no matter how much you plan, no wedding is flawless. Even if the flowers wilt and the food gets cold, your wedding will be "perfect" because it celebrates the special union of two people. We hope the ideas we have offered inspire you to create a wedding celebration that is unique, meaningful and memorable. Let us know how your plans turn out. We might even include your experiences in a future edition of our wedding packet.

In respect for the environment, throw birdseed instead of rice or confetti.

At the home of an older friend, I recently saw a beautiful friendship quilt. When she became engaged, each female relative embroidered one white muslin square with her own name in the middle along with birds, flowers or any design she chose. An elderly aunt who was blind wrote her name in pencil and her daughter embroidered it for her. The squares were assembled into a quilt top and quilted by her mother and sisters. It made a beautiful, lasting, practical and inexpensive gift, although it took some effort. Each member of her family had one as it was always their gift to each other.

Sheryl Craig
Warrensburg, Missouri

Some people don't think children belong at weddings; for us, it was more important that the wedding was a truly collective, communal, inclusive event. Particularly at the reception, we received many thanks for providing sitters so that the children could be a part of the fun and yet the parents could enjoy the event also.

Laurel Kearns
Atlanta, Georgia

Instead of a guest book, we had a poster. It contains an Apache Wedding Blessing that we had done in calligraphy. All the guests signed under it. It hangs in our living room.

Alice Ann Glenn
Monterey, California

Pre-Wedding

The day before our Indian wedding, I had a dance for my relatives and friends. Yatin's parents were invited, but the priest advised Yatin not to come. On this day, I had my hands and feet ornately painted for the wedding ceremony. That same day, a ceremony took place at Yatin's. His brother and sister-in-law painted his face with turmeric while he held rice and betel nut in his hands. After thirty minutes, the turmeric was washed off and his face had a golden glow. Then the priest prayed for a good marriage.

Alka Y. Patel
Jonesboro, Georgia

Flowers and Decorations

A Finish custom calls for the bride to wear a gold crown in her hair. After the ceremony she is blindfolded. As unmarried women dance around her, she places the crown on one of them. (This is similar to the throwing of a bridal bouquet.) Some brides adapt this custom and use a garland of flowers.

Clothing

One of my sisters made three of the bridesmaids' dresses. My father bought my brothers new suits which they wore in their roles as groomsmen - just suits that they could wear anytime. The dress that I wore was a wedding dress that a lady from the parish had given to my mother years before in case any of us could ever wear it. I would have worn my mother's, but it didn't fit. I wore a long Spanish mantilla that my sister had worn in her wedding and which I had bought for her when I was studying in Spain. A friend of the family from Mexico lent me the traditional Mexican "pearl flower" tiara that she had worn at her wedding as well as the "pearl flower" lasso that is used as part of the ceremony to tie around the bride and groom when they take their vows.

Mary Margaret Valasquez
Palmyra, Michigan

I wanted my dress to be one that was not too "bridey" and one that would be suitable to wear again. I picked a tea-length ivory gown of satin and lace for a very reasonable price.

Michelle DeLoach Harper
Forest Park, Georgia

Spanish brides once wore black silk dresses and mantillas, with orange blossoms in their hair. The groom wore a shirt that was hand-embroidered by his bride.

Gifts

As a wedding gift to your partner, compile a book documenting your relationship, frame a poem, or tape a favorite song.

You can give your partner a coupon book redeemable for back rubs, breakfast in bed, or dancing.

A Welsh bride sometimes gives her attendants myrtle (the flower of life) and instructs them to plant the cuttings. If the cuttings grow, there will be another wedding.

On the morning of your wedding, send your partner homemade fortune cookies filled with your own messages.

 

Authors

Laurel Kearns is a Ph.D. student at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. Much of the information she shares came out of planning her wedding which took place February 16, 1991.

Julia Cade is a writer, legal consultant and free-lance caterer in Washington, DC.

David Pascale is professional photographer living in Atlanta.

Alexander Jacobs is an ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America) campus pastor with the Metro Milwaukee Campus Ministry.

Heidi Roy is the former editor of Alternatives.

Page updated 17 Feb. 2014

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